Dear Mom: Life without you.

Drowning.

2012-01-20T20:47:00.000-08:00

Truth is, I'm drowning.

I'm drowning in the love and the joy that comes with being a new mom. When I hold my daughter, I can't describe the warmth that I feel and the depth that it reaches within me. I love this gift and I cherish it deeply.

Truth is, I'm drowning.

I'm drowning in my own fear and anxiety that is eating away at me as I type this entry. I'm a natural worrier. I stumble through life one fear after the other, like a sponge soaking up every bad piece of news or information that I hear. I check locks twice, three times. I look behind the shower curtain several times a day. I constantly look out the window. If the roads are bad, I want to stay inside. If I'm alone, I constantly question sounds.

Last January, this reached it's peak. My subconscious had finally had enough. I was strung out on worry and it took a physical toll that I never expected. I started to feel chest pain, then a cold Bengay feeling swept through my entire body. I was insistent that I was having a heart attack, in fact I made my poor husband take me to the ER. Twice. Or was it three times? I don't remember now. My body hurt, I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to be alone. It was hell.. a hell that burned so badly that I grasped at everything I could to escape it. I called every nurse I knew, went to the doctor, set up an emergency counseling appointment and started medication.. all in just a few short days.

I'm not sure what saved me most that week. Friends, scripture, counseling.. medication. The panic attack lasted about a week and once I could finally breathe, I knew I never wanted to feel that way again. By the end of it, it was obvious I have an anxiety disorder and I continued counseling for some time. Looking back, it was easy to pin point.

I had developed unhealthy patterns. I couldn't shower home alone without turning off the water every once in a while to check for noise. When I blow dried my hair, same thing. Driving had become a chore that I had to take deep breaths through and slowly, I just chose to not go anywhere alone.

Once the week passed, I got better. I openly acknowledged my anxiety and continued medication and counseling until I got pregnant. My counselor helped me to develop better habits, acknowledge irrational thought patterns and fears. I put a progressive relaxation track on my iPhone for emergencies and night time.

For some reason, pregnancy did good for my anxiety.. helped put it in check, so to speak. It felt so good to be rid of those thoughts and fears for a while. I had almost tricked myself into believing that I may not ever have to deal with it again.

Tonight, I am here dealing with it again. The seed planted with something small and slowly over the last few weeks it's grown. I've tried to keep it to myself, praying that it would go away. I told myself not to acknowledge it.. until now when it is so obvious that there is nothing I can do but acknowledge it. Deep down, I knew I would have to face this again, but I wasn't sure when.

Truth is, I'm drowning and I'm scared.

I'm not depressed or self destructive. I'm just eaten alive by the what ifs and that could bes. Parenting has brought on a whole new dynamic of that and I just don't know how to worry in a healthy way. Is that even possible?

It feels personal to put this out there, but at the same time I don't want to hide who I am. I've wanted to blog about it for a long time.. I have several drafts saved. I couldn't finish them. Tonight though, as I feel that cold feeling rushing through my arms and chest, I just want to write.

I know I'm staring down at that dark road again and the scary thing about mental illness is that I don't know how far I'll have to travel down it this time. Is this as bad as it will get? Since I know it's coming and I know what this feeling is, will it be better this time? Will it go away?

The silver lining in this is that I know how to get help and I will. I'm not afraid that I won't be okay this time, it is just the in between that worries me. The fact that I can't psych myself out of this and I have no choice but to face it. There is no type of assurance from others that will make it go away either. I wish there was.

In a few hours my daughter will wake up for me to nurse her. She will look up with me with her beautiful eyes that I've grown to love and I know she will bring warmth to those cold places. I know my healing can only come from Him, but I also know He has sent me this sweet gift to help me heal.

I don't know if I've made sense here, or if my words are just a mess that only I can understand. Either way, I'm okay with it. I don't mind how raw this honesty feels, but I am also okay if not a single person can understand what I mean.

Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

I Peter 5:7

Hayleigh, the first month.

2012-01-13T14:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

Hayleigh is a month old today. As I type that sentence, I can't even believe that it is true.

Every day, we marvel at how much we love her and I hope she can already feel that we do. There are a lot of things about this first month that I hope I never forget, so many firsts for all three of us.

As a family, we've already started to get into a bit of a routine. When we first brought her home, she slept in a bassinet in our room. It took both of us a bit longer to fall asleep the first couple of nights, but eventually we stopped watching her and realized we should be sleeping too. This week, we've moved her to her crib and she has given us a five hour stretch every night. I really hope that doesn't change.

We've been keeping a calendar for her, the same as you did for me. I try my best to write in it each week, so that we can go through it when she is older. Being born around the Holiday's she had a really busy first month. We've had tons of visitors and gifts, with many people bringing us dinner during our first week home. It has been wonderful and made realize us how blessed we are.

The only major parenting freak out that I've had was when she lost her umbilical cord on the 18th. Being new parents, both of us were a bit worried about this, since it was only three days after we brought her home. She was perfectly okay. Turns out, she will probably have an outie belly button now. We are just considering it as something she wont be able to pierce when she is sixteen (sorry, pumpkin!).

I'm learning that parenting is a huge sea of unknowns, the depths of which I'm afraid I won't always be able to wade through. I spend so much time thinking about it, that I am also afraid I may miss important things. During our nursing times, I talk to her a lot. One night I looked down at her and asked her if she was going to resemble you in anyway. I lost it, covering her in my tears. I felt stupid at first, but then realized that is probably the best way for me keep you in her life. My memories are what I have and of course they make me sad sometimes. I want her to know it's okay to cry.

I hope she realizes that as she's growing, I am also growing too. Daily, my love for her deepens and my patience the same. She has taught me love in a whole new way and has peeled away the last few layers of grief that I've been hanging on to. For that alone, I will always be thankful.

HAYLEIGH AT ONE MONTH

11lbs 5oz

22 inches

A [very long] birth story.

2012-01-03T14:04:00.000-08:00

I've been working on this for a few weeks, but every time I sit down to finish it, I can't. The thing is, I'm not sure how accurate the time is on everything. Brian is able to help me remember a lot of it, but some of it just blends together. That happens when you're in excruciating pain.

It is long, and I'm not sure that anyone will ever read it except for me. I just wanted to have it written down, so years down the road I can share with my sweet girl how we first met.

Anyway, here is how I think it went down:

Sunday, December 11: Our day was pretty normal..we slept in, skipped church and hung out around the house. We took a trip over to camp in the afternoon, and I told my boss that I would be seeing him in the morning. I was already scheduled to be induced on Friday, the 16th.. and I knew for sure this baby wasn't going to come on her own. Brian's parents came by that afternoon and I made one of our favorite meals for dinner. I painted a pinterest inspired mirror, baked cookies and cleaned our entire house top to bottom. I sent my aunt (who was on baby stand by) a text that said "Unfortunately, it looks like I'll be going into work tomorrow.. no baby anytime soon."

1:00 AM - I woke up and felt more contractions. These felt a little different, since I had some pain in my back with them. They were impossible to time and all over the place. I couldn't sit in bed, so I got up to see if I could keep them going or if they would become more regular. I bounced on an exercise ball for a little bit, and somewhere in there Brian got up to see what was going on. I told him what I was feeling, and he encouraged me to call triage, just in case. Hayleigh was posterior at my last appointment, so they told me I may not feel labor in the front and that back labor can be kind of hard to decipher.

2:30 AM - I call into Triage, because the pain in my back is getting a little stronger. I still can't time it, as it doesn't come and go in waves.. it is just sort of there. The midwife on call was Heather, and she told me she couldn't tell me if it were actually real labor or not, but to call back when I couldn't talk through contractions or if things became more intense.

3:00 AM - I give up on the ball and decide to take a shower. I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to bed right away, so I figured I would shower for work now. After showering, I still wasn't all that tired so I went ahead and dried and straightened my hair (I'm so glad that I did!). Sometime soon after, I finally crawled back into bed and fell asleep.

6:00 AM - I am dead asleep and awake to what feels like a warm tide rushing out of me. That's right, my water broke while I was sleeping. I had recently heard that only 15% of women actually go into labor with their water breaking, so I never actually thought that mine would rupture on its own. I woke Brian up immediately and he just nauchalauntly said "okay." I nudged him again and said "Brian seriously, my water just broke and it is everywhere. Please go get me a towel." He was definitely awake then. I wasn't having contractions at this point, and I remember standing there cold and in shock for a few moments, water collecting on the floor. I called my aunt to tell her I would in fact not be going into work and that sometime within the next 24 hours, I was going to have me a baby.

6:45ish - We leave to go to the hospital after I call into Triage and talk to Heather. On the ride there, I notice that Sara is online, so I chat with her on facebook the whole way there. Brian and I drove in silence and I noted to Sara that this was the weirdest car ride of my life. I was excited yes, but layered with that was nausea and nervousness. On the way there, my contractions definitely picked up and by the time I got to triage they were about 5-6 minutes apart and painful. I also told Sara that I was praying for a shift change, because I did not like Heather on the phone.

Sara also sends me a message that says "mark my words, she will be here by 10:00 (AM)."

7:30ish - We arrive at triage and I am happy because my midwife, Jane is now the one on call. We loved having Jane for our prenatal care, and I was so excited that she would get to deliver Hayleigh. Jane took us back to our triage room and I changed into a gown. Since my water had broken, they had to examine some of my amniotic fluid to make sure it was clear, and it was. They hooked me up to machines and she let me know that I was having contractions about every 4 minutes or so. She gave me the option of laboring back at home, but since we live an hour away, I opted to stay.

Sitting in Triage waiting for our room.

8:00 AM - I meet our nurse, Marie and she takes us up to our room. We get settled in and she encourages me to order some breakfast, since I wasn't put on a restricted diet and I wasn't in hard labor yet. My contractions were still only about 4 minutes apart and they weren't extremely painful. I took her advice and ate a delicious veggie omelet while Brian and I just sat there waiting for things to happen.

10:00 AM - My two aunts show up for support and let us know they will be waiting down the hall until Hayleigh is born so that they can meet her. They brought us some gifts and spent time talking with us for a little while. I decide that instead of sitting in my room, that I want to go walk the halls and try to speed things along. I do this for an hour or so and my contractions pick up a lot.

12:00 PM - 3:30 PM - My family grabbed Brian some lunch from Subway and I ordered a chicken sandwich from room service, since I still was allowed to eat at this point. After that my nurse suggested that I get in the tub, since I wanted to do most of my labor there. I spent the majority of this time in the tub, where a nurse would come in and monitor the baby every 30 minutes. Brian sat by my side the whole time, constantly encouraging me and telling me how good of a job I was doing. This was crucial, because by 3:30, my contractions were coming about every minute and lasting for just as long.

3:30 PM - My midwife comes in and decides that since my contractions are strong and close together, that they will finally check my cervix. When she does this, she tells me that I am at about 7-8 centimeters and that they were going to prepare the room for delivery. They even bring in a nursing student, excited to experience a natural child birth. I get out of the tub and when I do, the intensity of my contractions is magnified. They were painful in the tub, but what I am feeling outside of the tub is intolerable. I just remember standing at the end of my bed with my arms around Brian's shoulders and moaning in pain, my face buried in his shoulder. Once the room is ready, they let me know they will be back in an hour to check me again.

4:30 PM - My midwife comes back in and lets me know that I am at 9 cm with only a small lip of cervix to clear. I have to wait for this to clear before I can start pushing, so she encourages me to try different laboring positions to see if I can get it to clear. Since my back pain is very intense, she offers sterile water injections that we talked about during my prenatal care. She's prepared me that they are painful, like a strong bee sting she says.. but they are supposed to take away my back labor and help Hayleigh to flip. I agree to them and let me tell you.. they were the devil. I screamed the most blood curdling scream, so much so that my family could hear me in the waiting room. Those things were painful and I am not sure I could accept them again. The good news is, they did help with the back labor.

10:30 PM - Yes, I am still in labor.. with contractions about every 30-45 seconds and lasting about a minute. That small lip of cervix has not budged and that nursing student hoping to see a natural labor has been long gone. My midwife comes in to bid me goodnight, as she is getting off shift. Before she does, she sits on the birthing ball and gets close to my bed. She looks at me and tells me that she is not sure how much longer this could go on. She tells me it could be minutes, or hours. All this time, she's been wonderful. She's been in my room between other deliveries, she's offered me aromatherapy, counter pressure massages and helped me get back into the tub. I am out of energy and crying so hard at this point..and I begin to beg for an epidural. Somewhere in here I begin to feel the urge to push, so I lay in my bed and just push during my contractions. Getting an epidural was not in my birth plan, but I knew I needed to do something. If I wanted to bring this baby into this world, I needed to give myself some rest.

11:00 PM - God shows up. I mean, the anesthesiologist. At that point, I considered them the same. She was supposed to go to the room next door first, but the nurses had failed to hook up my neighbors IV yet. She said I was screaming louder, so she decided to come set up me first. I could have hugged her. Did you know that people with scoliosis have a hard time getting an epidural to set? I didn't until they tried three times to get a successful epidural. I looked at Brian throughout this whole process, since he had to help me stay completely still during these strong contractions. I just kept thinking, "the only alternative is to shoot me if this does not work." I could not keep going in this much pain. Thankfully, the third try worked and in 10 minutes or less I was in a state of euphoria.

11:15 PM - I meet my new midwife, Heather. The same Heather that I had told Sara I did not want earlier that morning. She comes in and accesses my cervix and says that she thinks that there has been some progress (since Jane had been examining me before this, she can't be sure), but I still have some cervix to clear. She lets me know that she will give me an hour for it to clear on its own, but if it doesn't, we will have to talk c-section. I am discouraged, and my state of euphoria is quickly replaced by anxiety. Suddenly my anxiety disorder overtook every calm thought in my mind and I began to question everything. I did not want a c-section and I wanted to have my baby..now. I suddenly became scared that my pain was going to come back and every time the nurse came in the room I asked her if it would come back. I am sure that I asked her at least five times. Brian's parents were still at the hospital, but were going to leave since they both had to work in the morning. Before they went, I asked my mother in law if she would please pray with me and she did. We sat there, with my nurse in the room, and just prayed together. Well, she prayed. I cried. We prayed that my body would please do the rest of the work so that I could meet my daughter. We prayed that my pain would stay away and that my anxiety would move on.

12:00 AM - Heather comes back in and lets me know that I am finally a 10 and that I can start pushing when I feel the urge. She left the room, and I let my nurse know I want to start pushing now.. and I do. I push for three counts of ten during every contraction that comes.. which are unfortunately now 5 minutes apart, thanks to the epidural. This does not aid me well, since between contractions, all of the work that I do is basically undone.

12:00 AM - 5:01 AM - Pushing. That's right.. five long hours of intense pushing. My cousin Sally has been in the room since I've started pushing, even though I thought it would just be Brian and I. I've asked her to stay, because she was wonderful to have in the room. She is a nurse, and keeps getting me drinks of water, a cold wash cloth for my head and anything else I need so that Brian can stay right by my side. This is the most time when things are fuzzy for me.. so probably in incorrect order different things happen. Because I have been in labor so long, Hayleigh's heart rate begins to drop and gets too close to mine. They insert a tiny probe into her head so that they can better monitor her heart rate. I also have to keep switching positions every time her heart rate goes down. At one point, I'm given oxygen just to bring her heart rate back up. I end up using oxygen in between contractions, to help give me energy for when I need to push.

For the last three hours of pushing, Heather does not leave my room. She has designed this contraption at the end of my bed with a towel hanging from it for me to pull on during pushing, and it helps my pushes become way more productive. She literally is on the end of my bed coaching me with every single push that I give and she is phenomenal. I can not believe that I didn't want her with me. She wants me to have the birth that I desire and she keeps assuring me that Hayleigh is still doing okay. In fact, she is amazed at how well my baby girl is doing, considering how long of a day it has been for both of us.

Hayleigh keeps turning in the birth canal, which they can see because the probe is at a different location every time they see her head come down and go back up. Heather also realizes that Hayleigh is presenting very low, which is why I have not been able to get her to crown. At this point I am so tired and I just keep saying "I'm not sure that I can do this anymore." Heather says that maybe we could try the vacuum, to assist Hayleigh to come down a bit further and she asks one of the nurses to page OB and have them bring it in just in case. I let her know that I want to push once more, before I say yes to the vacuum, and this time I am able to push for five counts of ten and Hayleigh actually starts to crown. Heather tells me that she is going to give an episiotomy to see if it will help. This is also something that I also did not have in my birth plan, but I agree. I trust her and know that she is trying to give me the birth that I desire. Once the episiotomy is done, Hayleigh does crown with my next set of pushes, but they do not wait for me to push out her shoulders. No vacuum needed.

5:01 AM - Finally my sweet girl is here, but she is quickly taken over to the other side of the room. With all of her rotations in the birth canal, her cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Brian tells me that she was born blue, which I couldn't see while laying flat. As soon as they cut the cord, I hear her cry and it is the sweetest sound. Finally, they bring her to me and it is instant love. I remember just looking at her and marveling over her tiny fingers and her head full of hair.

It was definitely a long day, but we were finally a family of three.. and I was right when I told my aunt that I would have me a baby in the next 24 hours. 23 hours, to be exact.

Grannie Annie, meet Hayleigh.

2011-12-19T12:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

We made it.

Those three words sum up my entire birth story, and honestly it is the only thing that matters to me now. I am so proud and honored for you to meet your beautiful, healthy and wonderful granddaughter, Hayleigh Elizabeth Luke.

In the days since she's joined us here, I have been overwhelmed with emotion on how wonderful it is to be her mom. There have been moments when I've just stared at her hands and cried, because I can't believe that she is mine. I have been instantly hit with all of the things in this world that I want to protect her from, and I will do everything that I can to make sure she knows how much she is loved.

I think you would have loved her. My heart breaks that I'll never know for sure, but if I close my eyes for a moment I can imagine what it would have been like to have you there with me.

As it is with every new life experience, this one was by far the hardest to face without you. Throughout my pregnancy, I found myself wondering so many things that I would have loved to have asked you. I wasn't really concerned with those kind of questions when I was sixteen, but now I wish I would have asked. Fortunately, I am able to depend on the stories or memories of others, because that is all that I have left to go by.. I'll never hear it told in the sound of your own voice.

When she arrived, everyone said she looked just like me. As I stared down at her, I wondered if you would agree. When your eyes first met mine, I can only imagine the love you must have felt. I've experienced that love now, and it makes your loss so much more painful. I can't imagine leaving behind this precious and most beautiful blessing.. it would break my heart to miss out on seeing her grow.

The love I feel for you mom, is so much greater. You were so strong and continued to love me, even though you knew the road may be short. I've always wondered how you did it, but now I realize that there isn't anything in the world more powerful than the love a mother feels for her child. It is instant and beautiful, and I am so overwhelmed by the privilege I have in being a mom.

As she grows, Hayleigh will know how wonderful you were. She will know she had a grandma who would have loved her very much. I will tell her about your smile and how strong you were. I will sing to her at night, like you sang to me. I will read her books, and label everything in the house like you did, so that she will love to read. I will probably catch myself calling her "wiggies," although right now it seems to be "pumpkin." I will make sure that she never goes a day without knowing who you are.. I promise.

Mom, meet your granddaughter.. isn't she beautiful?

Hayleigh Elizabeth Luke

8 lbs 14 oz

20 inches

December 13, 2011

5:01 AM

Full term.

2011-11-11T17:56:00.001-08:00

Well, we made it. This pregnancy is officially considered full term! I can't explain the emotions that run through me as I type that. As any first time mom I am filled with both nervousness and excitement as I anticipate when (and how!) she will make her arrival.

We have planned and talked through all of the possible scenarios of delivery and how we will communicate throughout the process. We've been specific on what type of health care provider we want to deliver with and where we want to deliver. We have a birth plan that we will bring with us when we go. I will attempt to keep my cool as much as possible with the hour drive to the hospital.

With all of that being said, I know that we are kidding ourselves to think that this will go exactly how we want it to. I am the queen of anxiety, and the unknown scares me. I'm putting this out there now, so that when I'm snuggled up in new parent bliss, I will remember my honest feelings going in.

Last week, Sara took some pictures of us and I cherish them so much already. I've tried my best to get bump shots, but I've always been so unhappy with how I look in every picture. These pictures are beautiful and I can't stop looking through them. Not one negative thought on how I look, just pure joy in how much I've enjoyed being Hayleigh's mom already. Thank you Sara, truly.

Here are a few of the pictures... and you can see the rest of them here.

{photo taken by Sara over at Less Ordinary Designs}

I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard what I entrusted to Him for that day - 2 Timothy 1:12

Handmade.

2011-10-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

I'm still in the process of trying to figure out what I am going to do for the Pinterest Challenge hosted over at Young House Love. In honor of that, I couldn't wait to share the gift I got from my friend Laurie at my shower this past weekend. Check out her post here to see the cute gift!

I almost forgot I had snagged a picture of the blanket on my iPhone last night. The quality isn't good, but you can still see how cute the blanket looks in H's nursery.

Speaking of handmade shower gifts. I also received an aodrable pillow case dress from Sara at my shower. She ordered the dress from Rachel, who is selling them online on her shop to support her adoption! Everything Rachel has made is super cute.. in fact I placed an order a onesie for Hayleigh a week ago.

We also received a super cute hat and baby boots from Brian's Aunt Karen (..well my Aunt Karen now too..) & I can't wait to have H's picture taken in them. They are so adorable! I've seen her other items she's made too, but these were so special.. they are exactly something I would pick out.

I love handmade gifts!

25 & Boston.

2011-10-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

This week, I turned 25.

I've been trying my best to come up with a list of the top things that happened to me this year, but I've done such a bad job of documenting this year that it is all kind of blurred together.

One thing that definitely stands out is our trip to Boston in September. It was the first time we've been on a trip like that together since our honeymoon. We both liked it more than any other city that we've been to and had a lot of fun experiencing the different areas that it had to offer.

We took a tour through the city on the Trolly, because we figured that would be the best way to see everything. I'm glad we did, because even though I had checked out the DK Guide from the library, I barely touched it before we went on the trip.

Of course, we had to stop and eat at Cheers. We ate right in the room they did all of the filming in. The food was very reasonable, and Brian loved his burger he had there. Do you like his dorky, "I'm riding the Trolly" sticker? I refused to wear mine.

This is the only picture of me from the trip that I feel comfortable posting online.. and it isn't even a good one. I was so uncomfortable with how I felt/looked the entire time we were there. I just wanted to walk around in sweats the whole time.. but knew that probably wasn't appropriate.

Of course, a trip to Boston wouldn't be complete without a stop at Fenway Park. Since there wasn't a home game the dates we were there, we decided to take a tour. I was exhausted the day we did this tour and I will be the first to admit I was a poor sport about it. Brian really wanted to do the tour, but I couldn't find the energy to suck it up and have a good time. We had walked so much before this stop and it was HOT outside. By the end, I was glad that we had done the tour, I just felt bad for Brian for having to put up with my bad attitude.

Before we left, we made some time to head south of Boston and visit the Cape area. Brian's cousin Bryce is the Captain of a fishing yacht and he just so happened to be in Falmouth while we were in the area.

That's the view of the hotel we found while we were there. When we left for our trip, we still hadn't booked a place to stay the last 2 nights before we came home. We found this place online for 80 bucks a night and it was amazing! We loved it here.

Bryce's boat.

I would definitely say that year 24 of my life was fantastic! I am blessed to be surrounded by the people I love. I am thankful to have a job that allows me to spend time with my spouse and take time away for a vacation. Most importantly, I am excited to welcome this little girl into our lives in less than two months!

Baby Shower.

2011-10-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

The weekend before last, I went into the Detroit area for my first baby shower with my side of the family. My second Mom/Aunt Betsy put a ton of work into the shower with the help of my two wonderful cousins. I enjoyed myself so much, but I could not believe how tired I was after the shower was over!

On the ride home, our car was packed full of blessings for Hayleigh. I was overwhelmed as we unpacked everything, re-read all of the cards and books that people had filled out for us. October is usually an emotional month for me, and this only added to it. I was overcome with gratitude over how much this little girl is already loved and will be loved even more once she is here.

I have to admit, I always thought being pregnant would be one of the times that I missed my mom the most. As usual, my family has made sure I haven't felt a single ounce of loneliness along the way. My cousin Sally always greets me with open arms that move right to my belly so she can feel Hayleigh move. She'll even go as far as throwing me candy, so that she will get really active. They are the ones that we had our cupcake party with to find out that we were having a girl.

I haven't felt alone one time in this process, and my shower reminded me of why. At times, I really hate how much geographical distance there is between us, but I know I can always call them or just show up when I need something. I know that they will care for Hayleigh, as much as they've cared for me.

..and just for fun here is a picture of me from my shower.

the weekend.

2011-10-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

We have had one of the most relaxing, enjoyable weekends that we've had in a long time!

It all started on Friday at work when I got an e-mail that Hayleigh's crib was in and we headed into town to pick it up. While in, I picked up a bunch of supplies to make some things I've had pinned on Pinterest for a while. I've had some pent up creative energy for a while.

{first canvas "painting" I did this weekend. Copied from here}

{Brian calls this my 4th grade art project. It didn't turn out all that great, but it was fun! Copied from here}

While Brian put the crib together, I painted away and watched movies with Jennie. Saturday, we slept in until 10 (!!) and had a lazy day most of the day. In the afternoon we took a walk at camp and it was nice to enjoy fall colors and to finally have a day without rain.

{Saturday, I was like this pretty much all day}

Sunday, I baked these & they were amazing! I seriously recommend making a batch today. I had every ingredient in the kitchen and they turned out perfectly. Everything from the King Arthur blog does.

{donut muffins}

..and just for fun..

{31 week bump shot}

I'm looking forward to more weekends like this!

Third Trimester.

2011-09-26T18:01:00.000-07:00

I'm in my third trimester already. Can you believe it? I can't. It feels like yesterday that Brian and I watched those two (very faint) lines appear and our whole world changed. I rushed home on a lunch break at work, after Sara insisted that my vivid dreams were surely a sign that I was pregnant, and sure enough. It wasn't formal at all..in fact the closest place to buy a test in our town is the dollar store. Since we work together, Brian rode with me and in less than three minutes we knew.

I should have a lot to say about pregnancy and how I'm feeling, but I honestly can't process it all. I am sure it is mostly because I've failed to document as much as I wish I would have along the way. My absence in the blog world has more to do with not having internet at home (until today), than it does to not being interested in blogging anymore.

I've taken my usual road throughout this new season: the anxious one. I've gotten myself worked up more times than I can remember, and yet I know I have more days like that ahead of me. I've questioned every cramp, stomach ache and new feeling. I've asked my midwife more questions than probably anyone else and I'm constantly asking other people if they've felt or experienced what I am.

I hope when Hayleigh is older, I'm able to filter my anxiety. I hope she knows it is because I care, and not that I am trying my best to be the most annoying mother out there. I hope she is patient with me and understands that I've got so much to learn about being a mom.

And although, I should have done this along the way.. here are the only bump shots I've compiled.

18 weeks(ish)

20 weeks(ish)

22 weeks(ish)

26 weeks(ish)

Pinterest Challenge

2011-08-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

Brian and I made a trip into town to grab some fabric to finish up a quilt we've been working on. At the last second I decided I wanted to make something in lieu of the Pinterest Challenge going on over at Young House Love.

I saw this post on Pinterest a few weeks ago and have been curious to try it myself ever since. The windows in our apartment are so boring with white, half broken, mini blinds and I've been looking at frugal ways to upgrade since we've moved in.

I knew the window in our kitchen was the first one I wanted to tackle, so when we got home we got started right away. The project took us a little over an hour & I am thankful that Brian was willing to help me.. he's always better at the measuring and configuring than I am. I'm the ideas person and he tends to be much better at the follow through.

Overall, I like the way they look. It's obviously not the most professional look ever, but for a little bit of fabric glue and some fabric, I think they look pretty good. To be honest though, I like anything in green.

Anyone else make anything for the Pinterest challenge?

I heart etsy.

2011-07-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

There have been a few things that I've been super excited about getting for Hayleigh.. one of those things is her bedding. I've looked on etsy, at different sets ever since I've known I was pregnant... which is where I plan on getting mostly everything for her room. If I haven't mentioned it before, I'm obsessed with home DIY sites like this, this and this..so I'm really looking forward to using her room as an opportunity to unleash some of my creativity.

When I stumbled upon this, I knew it was the bedding I wanted to go with. I ordered it on a whim this week and I am so excited to get it in the mail!

I got it here.

I have no idea how her room will come together in the end.. it's so hard living in an apartment where there are limitations to trim color and wall color. The nice thing is we have wood floors, so at least I'm not combating a funky colored carpet or outdated shag pattern.

I hope figuring everything else out is just as easy as this purchase was for me..

Half way there.

2011-07-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

My last post was forever ago, but I'm blaming the summer blur.. Camp has been so busy & I've been busy growing a child. I can't believe I've already hit the half way point and there have been so many little milestones that I've failed to document along the way.

A few weeks ago Sara snapped some pictures of me at camp. I think I was between 14 and 15 weeks here.. but it seems like forever ago. I love having these pictures to look back on.

I started to feel little flutters a couple of weeks ago, but no significant movement. This week though I've actually started to feel little jabs and kicks here and there. I keep feeling my stomach hoping to feel them again. It is one of the coolest feelings.

Last Friday, we had our ultrasound and we got to see our baby for the first time. I wasn't prepared for how emotional that was going to be for me.. it was fun watching those little arms wave around and to pair movement with what I was feeling too. We had our ultrasound tech write down the gender for us on a card and saved it for a special time with family on Sunday.

A few months ago I stumbled upon this blog and knew that I wanted to do something fun like that for our gender reveal & so we did. It was so much fun! My family was totally into it and we all grabbed our cupcakes to take a bite.. and I got the winning cupcake.

We're so excited to meet our girl and to hold her..& knowing what she is has made it seem more real and exciting. This journal truly has been beautiful so far and I'm so thankful that I have a wonderful husband to share it with.

Mom to Mom.

2011-05-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

Written in March, 2011.

Dear Mom,

As I write this to you, I'm sad that we can't share this conversation over an ecstatic phone call or a warm cup of coffee, but I'm comforted that I've found a way to continue my conversations with you. I am continually reminded of how strange this seems to others, but on days like today I can be nothing but thankful for this connection that I am able to keep with you.

I learned tonight that I am pregnant and in December, I will be a Mom!

I was instantly ecstatic, terrified, and then left with a small amount of sadness that this is one more journey I will not get to share with you. I was instantly hit with all of the wonderful things about you that my children will miss out on, something I had often thought of, but had not been faced with head on. I cried tonight as I held on to those memories and was flooded with the things that my children will not get to do with you, that your other grandchildren have. No sleepovers, camping trips, rocks to sleep.. none of it. You wont get to witness the growth of my stomach or feel the strong kicks of the little one inside of me or be there to hold my hand, because you know how much I hate hospitals.

I tell you this, because I want you to know how great I think you would have been. Though some of my thoughts have been sad, the majority have been ecstatic.. pure joy. A joy I did not even know I was capable of feeling. I have also spent time being thankful for the wonderful example you were to me and wondering if I will do things just like you, or be the complete opposite. You were sensitive and often lacked the ability to yell at me and would just smile and defend me explaining that I was typically a "good kid." You smothered me in hugs and kisses and I felt completely comfortable to tell you anything as I grew up, always being completely transparent with you. Those are the things I hope I am able to pass down to my children.

I honestly can not wait to be a mom. I consider it a privilege and one I definitely take seriously, since I only got to have mine for sixteen years. You were great mom, and I hope I will be too!

I love you,

54.

2011-04-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

April 2nd was your birthday. At first I was going to write you a letter.. then I wasn't. Then I was, then I wasn't. Now I am.

Sara and I talked about how it was your birthday and she asked how old you would have been. When I told her 54, I quickly also stated how much you would have hated it. The thing about telling Sara things is that I can't always count on an agreement response, which is a good (great!) thing. Instead of agreeing with me she said "you don't know that."

She's so right. I don't know that. I quickly realized that you probably would have done jumping jacks to make it to 54. You would have scaled mountains and been the champ of any ice cream eating contest if promised life to 54 instead of 46.

All these years I've sort of passed it by as if you would not have enjoyed getting older, without acknowledging the fact that you would have done anything to be with me still. You would have loved 54 and embraced the wrinkles and grey hair if it meant seeing your grandchildren grow up.

You deserved to be here.

I realize that I'm telling you what you already know, but an epiphany can be the craziest thing sometimes. I should tell you too that it didn't make me more sad or resentful that your not here with me. It just made me realize that I can't brush it off as another day on the calendar either. I think it is important to celebrate who you are and it reminded me that I need to keep my memory of you true to who you were.. a fighter. Not a wimp who would have bowed out over grey hair and wrinkles.

So happy birthday, Mom... a few days late, but better than never!

Your Daughter,

Gags allowed.

2011-03-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

One year ago this weekend, we were living in Ohio and pondered the possibility of packing up our lives, moving back to the mitten without any promise of a full time job. It wasn't that we didn't like Ohio, we did (I did a lot, actually.) and we left some great friendships behind.. we just never felt settled.

I've always been proud of my husband, but this past year, I've never been more proud (gags are allowed). I mean like bumper sticker on a mini-van proud.

Brian always wanted to pursue a career in firefighting, but timing never worked out for him. We took this year as an opportunity for him to make that happen and he is five (!) classes away from graduating and only two (!) months away from being an EMT.

I can honestly say that I can not picture him doing anything else for the rest of his life.

It has been hard. He is gone every single night of the week to school and balances his job at camp on top of that. It has been a financial sacrifice (even though we still have way more than we need) and when he leaves in the middle of the night for a call, rarely can I go back to sleep.

This week we've had many conversations about how much can change in one year and we are so thankful that we didn't stay comfortable. I can't imagine missing the opportunities we've had.

Here is what is crazy: It started with a prayer, a simple one; Lead me and I will follow.

911.

2011-02-25T20:35:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Brian and I made a deal. We would spend some time together this afternoon, cook dinner and then he would grab a chick flick in town for me to watch so he could spend some time at the fire station.

A few hours after he left, I realized that there is no ice cream or chocolate in the house, which is an absolute crime when getting ready to watch a chick flick. I sent him a text from my phone to please, please, please bring me home a chocolate shake on his way home from the station. Two seconds later, I hear his phone beep from somewhere in the house.

I sat there for more than a minute trying to figure out how wrong it would be for me to call 911 so that they could send out a dispatch to his station to please pick me up my milkshake. I mean it is ice cream..it is an EMERGENCY.

I played it out in my head, figuring out how it would sound coming from central. I wondered if they would laugh at me, hang up or have him kicked off of the department. Probably all of the above.

When Brian got home, I gave him that look. The one that says "you should have known that I wanted a milkshake.. how unthoughtful of you to not just surprise me with one."

He laughed at me. He did not take me seriously at all. And, he also had the nerve to suggest that next time I should have just called the fire station directly and ask for him.

Please, I don't want to be that wife.

What I'm up to..

2011-02-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

My husband got on my case last night for my lack of blogging.. apparently he does read my blog. Who knew?

Since climbing out of the dark hole that was winter for me, I've been keeping myself pretty busy. Here's what I've been up to.

Reading: Anything by Lynn Austin. I really enjoyed one of her books earlier in the winter and since I've had motivation again, I've been reading anything by her that I can get my hands on. In queue: The Help. Handfuls of people have recommended it, so it is next on my list.

Enjoying: Time with Sara and her family. These people are awesome and hospitable to me. They feed me, entertain me and just let me hang out. I love their kids and they add so much amusement to my life. They make parenting look easy and don't hide the often difficult moments from me.

Googleing: Anything home decor related. Houses. New blogs (any suggestions?) and warm places. I would love to escape to a warm place right now.. the closest I think I will get is a beautiful picture on my desktop background.

Cooking: I've taken over my kitchen again and the theme seems to be anything that Annie is making. Seriously, I would be without inspiration lately if it weren't for her blog. Oh and this awesome sweet and sour chicken recipe that has become a staple of mine.

Loving: How much cuddle time Cody has been offering. With Brian gone so much and with this all of this snow, I've been banking a lot of hours watching shameful television shows with Cody on my lap. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Looking forward to: This weekend with family for Abigail's second (!) birthday party. I am really, really looking forward to that..

Have a great weekend everyone!

I choose.

2011-02-09T08:29:00.000-08:00

January was rough and I thought February would be better. So far that has proven false, but I am hopeful that I am slowly on the mend. Around me I've heard stories of heartache and loss that are a constant reminder of how frail and momentary this life is. It has caused me to question my faith and to pray like I've never prayed before. In college I wrote a paper based off of various pieces of C.S. Lewis' work involving pain and why God allows it to happen. It helped me heal and brought a new sense of peace, reminding me, as he so wonderfully put it, that pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world. This story is a huge megaphone that God is using and people are listening. It is a huge testament to the faith I have found, a faith that I would have once told you did not exist.

For my birthday I was given a devotional by Max Lucado and I skipped right through the intro and jumped into the daily devotional pages. Last week I decided to check out the introduction and I found something that I wish I hadn't skipped over. Every day I turn to these pages and repeat this with the hope that it will become true of my life.

I CHOOSE LOVE…

No occasion justifies hatred; no injustice warrants bitterness. I choose love. Today I will love God and what God loves.

I CHOOSE JOY…

I will invite my God to be the God of circumstance. I will refuse the temptation to be cynical…the tool of the lazy thinker. I will refuse to see people as anything less than human beings, created by God. I will refuse to see any problem as anything less than an opportunity to see God.

I CHOOSE PEACE…

I will live forgiven. I will forgive so that I may live.

I CHOOSE PATIENCE…

I will overlook the inconveniences of the world. Instead of cursing the one who takes my place, I'll invite him to do so. Rather than complain that the wait is too long, I will thank God for a moment to pray. Instead of clenching my fist at new assignments, I will face them with joy and courage.

I CHOOSE KINDNESS…

I will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. I will be kind to the rich, for they are afraid. And kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me.

I CHOOSE GOODNESS…

I will go without a dollar before I take a dishonest one. I will be overlooked before I will boast. I will confess before I will accuse. I choose goodness.

I CHOOSE FAITHFULNESS…

Today I will keep my promises.

My debtors will not regret their trust. My associates will not question my word. My spouse will not question my love.

I CHOOSE GENTLENESS…

Nothing is won by force. I choose to be gentle. If I raise my voice, may it be only in praise. If I clench my fist, may it only be in prayer. If I make a demand, may it only be of myself.

I CHOOSE SELF CONTROL…

I am a spiritual being… After this body is dead, my spirit will soar. I refuse to let what will rot rule the eternal. I choose self-control. I will be drunk only by joy. I will be impassioned only by my faith. I will be influenced only by God. I will be taught only by Christ. I choose self-control.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To these I commit my day. If I succeed, I will give thanks. If I fail, I will seek His grace. And then, when this day is done, I will place my head on my pillow and rest.

Janucrappy.

2011-01-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

This month has been busy, busy. It has also brought with it illness and a very stressful slew of events that I can't even bring myself to share. I will say this though.. without my family and friends, I honestly do not think I would have survived. Here is what I love too, the line between family and friends is so blurry for me because so many of my family are also my closest friends. How awesome is that?

So, if you've been there and listened to me complain and try to work through everything..

Thank you, it means everything.

In honor.

2011-01-17T11:00:00.000-08:00

Years ago, this would not have impacted me quite as much as it does today. I remember reading this once in high school and again in college. It struck me then, it did.. this great idea of love. Now that I've experienced it fully, it means so much more.

"I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind's problems and I'm going to talk about it everywhere I go..I have decided to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it through love. And the beautiful thing is that we are moving against wrong when we do it, because John was right, God is love. He who hates does not know God, but he who has love has the key that unlocks the door to the meaning of ultimate reality."

MLK Jr

Address to the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (1967-08-16)

scrub.

2011-01-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned before that Brian and I get to spend more time together during the day, since we both play active roles at camp? This is usually a good thing, but from time to time it has its.. we'll just call them "bumps."

Let the following be an example:

Brian walked into my office this morning..

Me: Morning!

Brian: Did you wake up late today? You're scrubbin' today.

Me: Excuse me?

Brian: Well it's just that you look so nice every day.. but today you have on a t-shirt and no make up.

Me: Get out of my office.

He loves me, he does.. but sometimes his words are a bit misplaced.

I should mention that you should not feel sorry for me. From time to time Brian will send me a misspelled text of a simple word and I will tell whoever is around that Brian just asked me "were are you?" This summer, I also convinced Jack to make a habit of calling him "Swarley" instead of Brian. And don't even get me started on the time when Brian accidentally mocked an Asian woman's accent right back at her without even realizing it.

I don't let him live anything down.. so I guess I kind of deserve it.

love.

2011-01-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I don't do the whole sappy thing when it comes to you very often. I just don't.. is that wrong? I'm an instant wreck when I'm watching an emotional scene in a movie or television show (even if it's animated). Sometimes I wonder if it is because that is how my emotion unravels and then other times I wonder if it is because you prepared me so well for this.

I've already mentioned how much I enjoyed the Holiday's this year. I got to cook my first Thanksgiving dinner and everything went off without a hitch. We spent so much of our time surrounded by those we love and we definitely ate more food then we ever should have. We bought gifts for others and I got to spend the most wonderful time with the girls (or girlies.. as you call them).

Brian and I did not exchange gifts this year and it was wonderful to not feel the pressure of the budget rise while we tried to figure out how much we could spend on one another. I didn't realize until tonight though that he gave me the most incredible gift ever. Christmas morning, right before we went out the door to visit family, he grabbed a Rod Stewart CD from the house. When we got in the car, he popped it in and we listened to it the majority of our ride. Half way through I unraveled completely, just cried as hard as I could and he just let me be.

I realize now that you were with me in that moment on Christmas morning. It was such a wonderful gift from him and I didn't even realize he had given me that moment with you. When you left me, I wasn't sure how things would be, but I never imagined that I would still be able to carry you with me. I've accepted that I don't have to always be emotional when I talk about you, but that those moments are best saved for perfect moments.

Thank you for being there, always.

Your daughter,

Whimp.

2011-01-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

There are several things that I'm not naturally engineered for and I've already shared some of that with you all before. Another one of those things? Being home alone.

I hate being home alone in a house (especially this big empty one) all by myself at night. This has gotten worse as I've gotten older and I've completely forbid myself from watching scary movies, Law and Order and the night time news. I play mind games with myself and will hear a noise and think "What was that?" and duck under the covers until Brian gets home. Trust me, I wish I were kidding..

Since Brian has joined the fire department he is gone to class two nights of the week (soon to be four) and routinely leaves for medical or fire calls in the middle of the night. Thankfully, Sara has given me a revolving welcome in her house on those nights and I over stay my welcome until I finally drag myself home.

The only other type of creature more jumpy than I am when the furnace turns on? A cat.. and I've got myself one of those too. Now, every time he jumps and his ears go up like antennas, I do the same thing. Legs instant jello and ears attuned to the sound. The two of us sit there like chickens until were brave enough to investigate the noise and realize that it was all in our head.

And now I've just realized that I'm comparing myself to a cat.. which means my issues are a lot deeper than I realized when I started writing this. Awesome.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because it is cheaper than therapy and because I know that there is someone else out there who can nod their head and say "been there." Or maybe not, but I can be hopeful right?

P.S. Jeanette: Is it ever appropriate to start a sentence with "and"?

Reflections.

2010-12-30T12:46:00.000-08:00

As I promised I would, I thoroughly enjoyed Christmas! It was nice to catch up with some old friends and to visit family that we don't get to see very often. Although I did not get a camera, I have a few shots here and there that I'll share with you later.

As we prepare for a new year, I usually use this time to think about the changes that I would like to make in the year ahead. Whether is be weight or attitude, those are the type of changes I find myself focusing on. However, 2010 was a beautiful year for us. We finally were brave enough to figure out what we wanted to do. We packed up, moved back to Michigan and took a risk that God would provide in our less than perfect circumstance.

I'm proud of who we've become this year and I hope that none of that will change in 2011. Right now, Brian is out on a fire call, the first big fire since we've moved here, and I can't help but smile for him. He's doing what he loves, we both are.. what else could I ask for?

The most wonderful time of the year.

2010-12-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

I had always thought the Christmas season was busy, before I was married. Since then, we have run around like two crazy people and try to make it to every event. By the time the festivities are over, it all sort of blurs together. This year, I have vowed to enjoy every single moment of the Holiday season.

Just how crazy will this season be you ask? Let me show you.

Side note: I hope I will be able to chronicle it for you.. maybe there will be a new camera under the tree for Christmas? (too bad my husband doesn't read my blog..)

December 18: Drive an hour to Allen Park to have Christmas with my family. This includes my Aunt, her kids and all of their kiddos too. My aunt makes the best apple pie. I don't know what it is about the pie, it is simple, but a Christmas staple in our family. I can't remember a Christmas where it wasn't on the table and I usually dig into it before any of the other food.

December 19: SBC staff Christmas party! (I'm excited to see my Summer family..)

December 24: This will hopefully be our chill out day. We'll probably end up at a Christmas Eve service somewhere, but we're just hoping to veg out and spend some time together. The calm before the storm, if you will.

December 25: We'll wake up and open gifts at home. Head an hour South to visit Brian's brother and his family for breakfast and to open gifts with them. After breakfast we'll head an hour north and visit some friends for a few hours. We will then head to Grandma J's for some family time and then probably end up staying the night at Brian's parents.

December 26: This is our family Christmas with Brian's family! We used to do Christmas morning, but with all of the babes being born in our family.. we're switching it up. We draw names for presents in his family, so we'll do our gift exchange, hopefully watch some home videos and eat lots of good food.

December 27: This is the event which Sara has coined Lukeapalooza (say that three times fast). It's a whole bunch of Luke's stuffed in a Lodge at SBC. It's usually a weekend long affair, but this year it's only for a day. We'll pack in some time ice skating on the lake, eating a ton of Christmas cookies, playing Scrabble and hopefully someone will bring their Wii. A lot of good memories have been made during Lukeapalooza, it's definitely a cherished event in our household.

Is your Christmas season this crazy? I hope so. I've decided to embrace it and spend every minute enjoying it, because I count myself fortunate to have such a large family. It breaks my heart to think about the fact that there are people out there who have to spend Christmas alone.

Oh, and if you see my husband, tell him about this blog post. Actually, just tell him to buy me a camera.. that would save us both a lot of time.

Thanks!

2010-12-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

Have you ordered your Christmas card yet? We did.

I was so excited to open the package when it came in the mail. Whenever I order anything from Sara, it does not disappoint. This year was no exception and it is by far my favorite Christmas card to date. She didn't even laugh at me (at least not to my face) when I asked her to add Cody's name and a paw print. After all, I didn't want my distant relatives to think we had a baby without them knowing. I was trying to save my dad from receiving a lot of phone calls..

Merry Christmas from our home to yours!

Confession.

2010-11-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

Here is my confession: I read blogs all the time. I have a select few that I visit every single day, without fail. Then there are those I check up on weekly and some monthly. My husband calls it an illness. I call it awesome.

Here is the weird thing. I start to refer to these said bloggers in real life conversation and will make Brian's head spin while he tries to keep up. The following are examples:

"Dooce had the most hilarious post today about Halloween, she even dressed Chuck up as Lady GaGa.."

"The Pioneer Woman posted a recipe with the process of brining a turkey and I would really like to try that this year. She buys a 20 lb turkey and it's enough to feed her gang of punks, Marlboro Man and Pesky Tim and his family.."

"Rachel made Annie's Cookies & Cream cupcakes and they looked awesome. I should make those this weekend.."

I'm not sure why I am posting this, only to say that it is awesome to be able to connect to the world this way. It becomes odd when you feel like you know someone who will never really know who you are, but it makes the world seem so much smaller. I've learned most of my cooking skills (the few skills that I have) through various food blogs and Jeanette gives lessons on the various ways I can improve my grammar skilz. Sara has lessened my fears of becoming a parent some day and YHL makes me want to buy an old house and fix-'er-up.

Thank you, Internet.. You make life so much more complete.

Thanksgiving.

2010-11-26T19:50:00.000-08:00

Did I mention that we were hosting Thanksgiving this year? We did.

I was so nervous about making the turkey for weeks. I searched through blog after blog reading others experiences with making turkey. We decided we wanted to brine the turkey before hand, since a lot of people had success with that & I am so glad we did.

Brian was helpful all week with getting the house ready for guests and helping me make pie crust, peel potatoes.. whatever I asked. The time with family made me realize how much I enjoy doing things for people, especially cooking and being host. I am thankful that they trusted me with this task & that everything went well. Oh, and Cody got to try Turkey for the first time & was one happy kitten. I really hope I didn't start a bad thing there..

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving too!

Here are links to some of the things I made:

Thankful.

2010-11-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

I meant to post this last week.. it didn't happen.

I think it's important to always have a reminder of our blessings. I like to count them every day, since I've experienced first hand just how quick one can be lost or taken away.

When I think about this, my mom is obviously the first thing that comes into my mind. If I close my eyes and picture her, I never picture her during the times she was sick. Instead I picture her with her large, curly hair. I picture her with a huge smile on her face. I picture her like this..

[mom & her brother]

"I would maintain that Thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude

is happiness doubled by wonder."

G.K. Chesterton

Oh and Mom, that had better be soda in that cup!

Jealous.

2010-11-18T13:19:00.000-08:00

I'm absolutely jealous of everyone who is going to see this tonight. I desperately wanted to go, but keeping to an attempt of being a faithful and dependable employee, it would not be a good idea. The last time I went to a midnight showing, I had to drink insane amounts of coffee (even for me) to stay awake.

All that to say.. I will be going this weekend! The only sad thing is 200 Miles will keep me from seeing it with Laurie..

Moving.

2010-11-11T11:48:00.000-08:00

We're all moved!

For the fourth time in two years..we've moved again! & we will move again in May. However, we are starting to get settled into our new place quite nicely.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but a relative of ours has been kind enough to let us move into their house for the Winter. They vacate to Florida and so we will be taking care of the place while they are gone and I'll just take this time to mention that there is A LOT of room. Conveniently, it is only about 3 miles from work and even closer to Sara.

I'll probably add more pictures later.. but here are a few Brian has taken from his phone lately.

[our lake view from our bedroom]

[as you can tell Cody is adjusting quite nicely]

Side note: I'm loving November! Not because it's turning cold, but because everyone (except me) is updating their blogs daily. Thus, further proving I spend way too much time on the internet.

Seriously.

2010-11-08T11:50:00.000-08:00

I know I keep posting these.. but after two years of marriage and six of being together, I am still amazed at the difference in mindset between Brian and I.

Seriously.

This morning while getting ready..

Me: "When you get done working on the budget will you let me know if this is a good month for me to go get a hair cut?"

Him: "I thought you were growing it out."

Me: "I am.. but I still need to get it trimmed.."

Him: "That doesn't make sense."
--

Maybe it's just me.. I don't know?

No hard feelings.

2010-11-04T18:03:00.000-07:00

Me: "I think I look a lot like my mom in this picture."

Him: "Was she that short?"

[If coffee stunts growth, it's her fault for allowing me to drink it.]

Happy Halloween.

2010-10-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

I love traditions.

I don't remember much about the early years of my life before my parents divorce and I don't remember anything special ever happening for Birthday's or for Christmas. What I do remember is Halloween. When I was younger I loved Sesame Street, most specifically Bert and Ernie. Every halloween my Mom, my Dad and myself would go to a pumpkin patch with this goal: find one short, fat and round pumpkin and find one tall, slender and oval pumpkin. When we got home we would gut them, spray paint the oval one yellow and proceed to cut out construction paper until they both looked exactly like Bert and Ernie.

I've already blogged about this before a few years ago, so forgive me for the repetition.

My mom was so good at this and I loved having those pumpkins on my front porch every year. There were so many things that I wished were different about my life when she were alive and here with me. I could go on and on about how much I used to wish she would pack my lunch every day, or that she were the mom who remembered to bring cupcakes inside of ice cream cones to class for my birthday. Instead, we were the ones racing through Kroger before school opened grabbing whatever cupcakes they had prepared.

None of that matters now and I wish I could give the younger me a lesson in appreciation. I also wish I could show you a picture of those pumpkins, but I've failed at being able to produce it. It must be buried in our storage unit, but I'll try to remember to post it later.

Anyway, whatever your Halloween tradition I hope it's happy!

Five Reasons.

2010-10-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I looked through the pictures I took from this past weekend. Brian's family came to visit us for my birthday I was reminded of five reasons that I am truly blessed.

24.

2010-10-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

Today, I am 24.

When I say that out loud is sounds old to me, but when I think about myself.. I feel so young still. Anyway, I can't tell you where I thought I would have been at 24, but I never thought that I would be happily married and working at a job that I love, with people I love.

I didn't picture life like this, at all.

All this to say, I'm praying for another great year of wonderful memories, because this year has truly been one of the best!

7.

2010-10-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Today is seven.

I wonder if it will ever get old? Sometimes I feel like I've cried the same sob story so many times.. that people may grow tired of hearing me talk about the same thing. This summer, while watching The Bachelor at Sara's.. there was a certain Bachelor who talked about his mom's death all the time. Whilst watching the show, someone there commented along the lines about how he talked about it too much and how he always brought it back to that one sad story.

The comments didn't bother me at all, but it made me want to say "I keep a whole blog about that!"

I spend this day differently every year, but as each year passes I realize that eventually you will be gone for longer than I was blessed to know you. While some find their sanctuary at a cemetery, grieving loss on the anniversary of ones death, I find mine here in these letters with you. I find it in the strength my friends and family give to me. I find it on Sunday mornings when I spend time in worship with my Father.

I guess what I am saying is that I truly do miss you. It saddens me that it's been seven years since I've heard your voice and I'm terrified for the day that I won't even remember what it sounds like. My deepest fear with keeping these letters has always been that people will think that I define myself solely on this one experience, but I can't help it. I guess I can only say that I try really hard not to bring it back to that one sad story, instead I always try to bring it back to you.. because I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the fight that you put forth to stay here with me.

The thing is, it doesn't matter how much time passes. Whether it be seven years or seventeen more, I will forever acknowledge this day as both the saddest and greatest day of my life. Saddest, because I lost you and I can't even put into words the heaviness my heart feels from the loss. Greatest, because it changed the veil through which I see the world and I will be forever in debt to you for that.

I love you, Mom.

I love the fall.

2010-10-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

Brian and I had a great weekend away last week. It was great to spend some time with friends and family.. and just some time with one another. Since both of us enjoy car rides, road trips are always a good time and I prefer that over flying any day. The majority of the time we sit in silence, but it's a good silence.

Here are some shots from our trip.. thanks go to Sara for letting us borrow a camera!

Birthday gift from Brian

Cuyahoga Valley National Park

Dorothy and Victor's closest neighbors

The following are pictures of my "kids" in Kentucky. These wonderful children are adopted by a family from Dorothy and Victors church. Every time we visit, they spend all of their time with us and we spoil them with love and attention. They grow way too quickly between visits.

I am so thankful for the opportunity we had to get away, but it definitely felt great to be back home too. It made me realize even more how much I love where we are at in life right now.

Away.

2010-10-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

Brian and I are going away this weekend!

Our first stop will be Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio where we used to live. We're going to spend some time with Jared & Laurie and I'll also get to meet up with some of the wonderful people I worked with at the chiropractic office. It will be good to catch up with friends and consume more than what should be acceptable amounts of coffee.

After that we will head over to Kentucky where we will spend some quality time with my "grand parents." It will involve a lot of garden picked meals, vegging on the couch and a trip to Super Walmart and Ponderosa, because that's all there is in town.

I'm looking forward to it so much and can't wait to fill you in when I get back!

Scuba Diver.

2010-09-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Did I ever talk about what I wanted to "be" when I grow up? I've mentioned this to you so many times in my letters.. but I really do wonder. Just today I was hanging out with Sara's son, Jack and he said "Do you know what I want to be when I grew up?...A scuba diver!"

I've been wrestling with his childlike dream all afternoon. One, I thought it was adorable and also, even though he's only three years old (and a smart three year old at that), he already understands that there is this great emphasis on being something. I've always had the opinion that this inward feeling of needing to become something comes from the pressures in this world of having a career and being successful, but as I sat here this afternoon and thought about Jack and his dream of being a scuba diver (..this week anyway!), I wondered if it's a part of our creation and our inward understanding that we are born with natural gifts and talents, given to us by God alone, and we have this desire to share them with others.

I'm not sure if I ever wanted to be something, but I know I always tried to use my writing and emotions as therapy and as a means to help others. When you and dad went through your divorce I remember I wrote my angry rampage into an Orphan Annie like saga into my small journal and titled it "My Life with Broken Parents." I was only in fourth grade, but I had this urge to write it all done. Even in keeping this blog, I know some think I lay all of my personal business out there in the open, for others to intrude on.. but I don't see it that way. While I obviously keep some private matters guarded.. I think our lives are meant to be shared.

I'm not sure I'll ever become something and I still don't entirely think I can fit my gifts into a degree or certificate.. I just want to help people and to use the life God has given me to make a difference in the lives of others.

As I write this down, my husband comes to mind. As a child and teenager, he always thought about being a fire fighter, but growing up the opportunity to work with his dad was available to him and he decided that he would want to do that equally as much. He became a plumber, went to college and got a degree in Business Administration and began working for his dad. Long story short, the economy gradually took that dream away from him and so we moved and moved again and here we are.

Today, Brian is a volunteer at the fire department near camp and in November he starts his fire training. I'm so proud of him for taking that leap and fostering that dream. I have no idea where this will take us, or if it will even end up as a career for him, but what I do know is that I am thankful that God gave him the self sacrificing gift of service and that he has enough wisdom to use it.

Am I boring you yet? I'm sorry.. I just wondered what I used to say I wanted to be. I briefly remember mentioning I might like to be a country singer.. and I don't remember you telling me that I had an awful voice. You could have saved me a lot of humiliating car rides in which I sing out loud and break the ear drums of those around me.

Don't worry, I don't hold it against you.. for now.

Your Daughter,

A typical conversation.

2010-09-24T08:09:00.000-07:00

While getting ready for work this morning..

Me: I wish I could buy clinique make-up again. It always makes me skin feel so much healthier.

Him: Well, if you didn't spend your money on other things you would be able to afford it.

Bubble

2010-09-23T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start by saying that we've loved so much about this summer and we've definitely been blessed to be back at camp, with opportunities that are spilling past our summer duties. One thing I have missed however, is the availability of a city-like culture. I've never considered myself to be a farm girl or someone who wanted to live in a place where cornfields are more common than street lights.

Although "town" isn't too far away, I've grown tired of the local offerings, since it's the same town I had available while in college. Yesterday afternoon I decided to venture to Lansing to meet a wonderful friend, who is in her first year of med school at Michigan State and it was absolutely wonderful. The drive there was beautiful, since all of the leaves are starting to change color and I brought Nora along with me for the ride. Amy and I went out to eat and shared a delicious spread of middle eastern food. We ventured toward campus and enjoyed Cold Stone and she showed me where all of her med classes are located. It was great to be back in a happenin' area full of energy and to watch all of the "kids" walking to and from their classes and studying in the cafes. Of course, we ended the evening at Starbucks where we sat and talked for a while. I enjoy my friendship with Amy, and now that she's my relative it just makes it that much sweeter.

Yesterday made me realize how comfortable I've become at camp and I was surprised by how much a trip to Starbucks felt like a trip to Disney World.. wait..I've never been there, and that's cliche. Anyway, it felt like I won the lottery or something. Ironic, because when I worked there, I was visiting up to five times a day.

I love our new life and I'm settling in. Things are definitely different and I'll be sharing more on that later. Anyway.. thanks Amy for an awesome time, it was great to see you!

Doomed.

2010-09-15T17:48:00.000-07:00

Internet (& mom), I discovered Corn Pops for the first time this week! Sweet mercy, they are the most wonderful cereal I have ever tasted in my life. I've had them for five meals since Monday and I will continuously be working them in as a major food group.

Oh, and Mom, thanks for saving me from the sugary cereal spiral my whole life.. but that's all over now.

Gotta have my pops.

My grammy.

2010-09-09T12:55:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday afternoon at a funeral with my grandmother. Her best friend of many years passed away and because we all knew Mary so well, Brian and I attend the visitation yesterday too. I spent the entire time at the funeral crying from laughing so hard that I literally could not breathe and hid my face in Brian's shoulder because people were starting to stare.

I've shared a bit about my grandma on here before.. and I can honestly say that there isn't anyone else in the world that makes me laugh as much as she does. Just to give you a feel for my afternoon these are the events that happened yesterday:

- When we picked my grandmother up (she lives in a nursing home) she was dressed and ready to go to the Luau party they were having there, because she had forgotten about the funeral.

- When we arrived at the funeral home, within 5 minutes, she criticized 90% of the old people in the room and used words like hideous, ugly and fat to describe most of them. When we reminded her that she needed to keep her voice down, because sound travels, she told me to mind my own bloody business. (I should mention that I don't normally laugh when people make comments like this, but when coming from my 82 year-old grandmother, who herself isn't very slender and who also has a slight case of dementia, I find it hilarious.. don't judge me).

- Fast forward to 30 minutes into our visit at the funeral home, when my grandmother asks me to wheel her to the front so that she can read all of the cards on the flowers because she wanted to see which flower she had gotten for our family (my aunt takes care of ordering everything for things like this). She keeps commenting on how beautiful they all are, when we arrive to a small planter of green leaves in a basket containing one pink rose, one red carnation and one purple unknown named flower. "Who sent that ugly thing?" my grandma asks, turning her nose up. "Actually grandma, you did."

- My grandma was so upset about the planter that she kept going on and on about it for the rest of the time we were there. She demanded that my aunt take it to the florist and yell at them for the terrible job (the florist is a friend of the family..yikes). She also called us all a bunch of "cheapies" for all putting our names on this one hideous plant.. "what did you all put in $2.00..we couldn't afford anything nicer?" and as the funeral home attendants would usher in more and more and more beautiful plants, she would point at them and say to my aunt "See Betsy, look how beautiful that one is. Why didn't we send something like that?"

- Finally, when she is ready to go because she is starved, we take her to dinner where she orders twice (because she forgot she already ordered) and takes an hour and a half to consume her Ruben. When we leave, a nice man holds the door for us and offers a polite "God Bless You" as we leave and at the very same time my grandma yells the Lord's name in vain at my aunt for running over her foot with the wheel chair.

- Eventually, we get her back to her nursing home, where the said Luau is just finishing up. As I usher her into the building in her wheelchair, she starts doing a Hawaiian dance and explains to us how everyone there is so excited that she is back that they were all waiting for her at the entrance.. because well, they all "just love me."

I know this was a long post, but my life is going to be so much more dull when my grandmother makes her grand entrance into Heaven.

Addiction to fiction.. or something like that.

2010-09-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I've read 14 books this summer? I know.

I've always been an avid reader, but haven't had the time to do much reading these past few years. This summer, thanks to my personal library, I've been able to get in some quality reading time.

Out of all the books I've read this summer, I've deeply enjoyed three:

Water for Elephants
My Name is Memory &
The Historian

All completely different in their own right, but none short of great literary style. I've enjoyed this laid back lifestyle we've been granted this summer, especially because it's given me the freedom to fall back in love with books. It's been wonderful to dive back into the world of fiction and get lost in the sea of worn out and musty pages. There are few things in life that bring me as much joy as that.

And on that note, I'm off to start on my fifteenth..

Day three.

2010-08-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

Day three was awesome.

There really is no other way to describe it. In the morning, Cecilia and I made sure that we stopped at the Sports Med tent to get our ankles taped and our feet all wrapped up. My right foot was still killing me, but I was determined to walk the whole route and the PA who helped me didn't seem to think it would be a problem.

We started out on our walk that morning at about 7:30 and about a mile in, Cecilia was getting major blisters on her feet. She knew it was because her tape wrapped around her ankles, so we hopped on a sweep van to the next pit stop so that she could get it fixed. Once she did, we were good to go!

The rest of that day, we kept at a pretty quick pace. We kept laughing and dancing with all of the people along the route and commenting to one another that we had no idea where the energy was coming from. I was in serious pain, but it just didn't matter. Cecilia said that she thought we were carrying the spirit of my mom with us, and as crazy as it sounds, I think she was right.

Right before lunch, two girls caught up behind us and they had a radio attached to their backpacks! Cecilia and I looked at each other and said "were sticking with them." We did. Danielle and Diana were sisters who were walking in the 3-day for their third time. They were walking in honor of two of their grandparents who's lives were both taken by cancer. They quickly became our new BFF's and we stayed with them the rest of the day. I'm glad we did, because the music definitely helped.

About two miles before the finish line I seriously thought I wasn't going to make it. It was HOT, so incredibly hot. I felt nauseous and my feet were throbbing (I know, how many times can I say that right?). But they were.. they still are actually. I've never experienced anything like that in my life, and I doubt that I will again (unless I have kids). As soon as we rounded the corner and saw our destination, I just started pushing myself as much as I could to finish -- and I did! We did! All four of us in our new adoptive team! We walked across that finish line together hand in hand with our arms raised as high as we could get them. It was one of the most emotional things I've ever experienced. It was so AWESOME!

We wrapped up our event with the closing ceremony, where they informed us that with the 1,905 people that walked, we raised over 5 million dollars in our event alone. How awesome is that?! Of course, the ceremony was sad and had me in tears just as much as the opening one did, but they were good tears. Tears of victory and tears that allowed me to say something to cancer that I've wanted to say for a long time -- shove it. You lose, I win.

Lastly, I would just like to say THANK YOU again to everyone who allowed me to take this journey. It was an awesome and beautiful experience and I could not have done it without you. Seriously, I'm so proud of all of you. For your encouragement, your kind words and most of all, your financial contributions.

The money that we raised to support this walk will fight to make sure that someone else's mother or father does not have to miss out on birthdays, graduations, weddings and grandchildren. YOU made that possible, because you believed in me.

The loser pin.

2010-08-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

Day two.

I woke up at 4:30 a.m. on day two with an ache and pain almost everywhere in my body. My feet felt as though they'd been squeezed into a vice all night and muscles that I didn't know existed we're screaming in pain. Despite the pain, Cecilia and I both woke up in a fit of giggles and probably woke up all of our neighbors (whoops!). We wobbled our way to the port-a-johns and showered again in the semi trucks so that we would start our morning off fresh.

Since the route was 22 miles on day two, we made our way out of camp at 6:30, right when the route opened up.

We started our day off great, we were both in good spirits and we're looking forward to our walk through the plymouth area. We had several visitors, including Brian's parents and his sister Stacy, who brought me a "chilly willy" to wear around my neck and an awesome bracelet made by Aunt Linda. My Uncle Dennis followed us around to every pit stop and cheering station, keeping us hydrated with water bottles and even brought us some cut up watermelon. Like I said, my family is AWESOME.

As I mentioned on day one, people in the communities were so wonderful. Almost every other house was decorated for us walkers and people were sitting outside telling us "thank you for walking." I got a lump in my throat every time we passed a group of people sitting outside. The emotion and support that they showed was absolutely incredible..we even got a free massage along the way from a massage lounge in Plymouth. I can not even begin to tell you how much all of that meant to me..to see so many people united by one great cause.

My mom would have loved it, I know she would have, and that's exactly why I did it.

About halfway through the day, all of our high spirits quickly changed. The route for day two was hilly and challenging, winding through Hines Park in the direct heat. I don't think Cecilia and I said more than two words to each other and my feet started aching so bad, I wanted someone to yank them from my body. I still didn't have a single blister, but I was begging for one instead of the pain I was feeling.

At lunch, about 10 miles in, I got my ankles taped by the sports med unit. The doctor who helped me told me that if I finished the walk for the day, he would be surprised. That angered me a little and I was eager to push myself as much as I could. The taping helped keep the pressure off a little, but around 14 miles the muscles in the backs of my legs were killing me from the overcompensation in my strides.

At 16 miles, Cecilia finally convinced me to take a sweep van to the next pit stop so that I could have someone check out my foot and possibly take the shuttle back to camp, which we ended up doing. I was disappointed in myself and could hear Brian mocking me for not training harder, but I was afraid of a serious injury if I were to keep walking on an injured foot. After we loaded the bus, we were handed a small blue pin to hook onto our back packs that said "sagged and proud."

I kindly refer to is as the "loser pin."

With storms predicted, we decided to load up our stuff and head home for the night to get a good nights sleep and to put our feet up. I'm so glad I did, because I think it really helped me recharge for day three.

The obstacle that I faced that day reminded me so much of when my mom was sick. How hard must it have been for her to drive me around to Volleyball practice and help me go shopping to pick out my homecoming dress, when she wanted nothing more than to be at home in bed, hiding under the covers. I know being sick was hard on her and all the while I expected her to keep up with my teenage life. I was compassionate and understanding, but was also grieving and selfish.

There wasn't a sweep van that was going to come around and pick her up when she needed a little help and she always just kept marching forward. I can't imagine the type of courage that had to take, because I do not do well with anything that I can not control. She was my hero and I walked every single inch of those 16 miles for her that day. In the end, I was glad for the pain, because it brought me closer to what life must have felt like for her.

21.5 Miles.

2010-08-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

Day One.

I honestly don't think anything could have prepared me for what I experienced during the course of three very emotional and uplifting days. I'd heard a lot about how wonderful people were along the way, how tired and exhausted I would feel and I definitely was warned to TRAIN! TRAIN! TRAIN!

Let me start by saying, I didn't train that much. I walked at camp a lot, but the most intense walk I did was around 8 miles. I know that I didn't prepare myself much in that area, but I honestly could not find the time. This summer has been hard to balance and I honestly thought I did the best that I could. I told myself I would be okay and that people who were diagnosed with Breast Cancer didn't necessarily get to train for their journey either.

Day one was incredibly emotional. It started out with an opening ceremony that had me in tears within 5 minutes. It reminded me of how robbed I've felt these past seven years, and that my mom and I have missed out on so much together. My emotions crippled me, right there in front of 1,900 people who shared my feelings, and I wasn't trying to hide a single tear. Right there beside me was Cecilia, who like many of my family members, has kept me strong and supported, so that the burden wouldn't lay so heavy upon my shoulders. She even said that she couldn't cry, because she reminded herself that she needed to be strong for me. I know I've mentioned this before, my family is awesome.. they are by far the only reason I've been able to keep moving. The opening ceremony reminded me of why I was there and it was the inspiration that kept my feet moving throughout the day.

The route for day one was 21.5 miles and it was incredibly hot. The sun was beaming down on my fair skin and I was so thankful that I remembered to wear sunscreen. We started out at a community college in Farmington Hills at 6:00 in the morning and ended our day around 5:00 in Livonia. Along the walk Cecilia and I shared stories about my mom and how much she meant to us, as a mom herself she helped me find perspective in things I've always questioned. We talked with others who shared stories about what inspired their 3-Day journey and I can honestly tell you that I was not ready for the feeling of being united with someone so quickly, due to a common loss and grievance that it totally took me by surprise.

There were so many awesome people in the communities (more on that on Day Two!) and the support that was shown to us walkers was incredible. The encouragement was so much so that Cecilia and I were able to walk EVERY MILE on Day One!

Once we got to camp, we had to set up our pink tents and inflate our mattresses. We headed over to the dining tent and had steak (!) with some veggies. We got free massages (!) thanks to one of the sponsors of the walk and then we headed over to shower in the back of semi trucks (yep, thats right). By the end of the day we were so exhausted that we were sleeping before 9, because we wanted to get up at 4:30 to head out on the route early.

Overall, day one was awesome. I was tired and happy. I didn't have a SINGLE blister and my feet felt great. I did have a little bit of road rash, but I was so proud of myself for finishing every inch of the route and so excited to get up and do it all over again!

Four Days.

2010-08-09T13:45:00.001-07:00

Only four days until my walk.

I am officially freaking. out.

Gear.

2010-07-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

I got two new items for my walk from REI that I am super pumped about:

These shorts are awesome! They are so comfortable, breathable and they're pink.. so they're perfect for my walk. I can't believe I splurged the $30.00 for them on the online (without trying them on) but the reviews were so good that I couldn't pass them up. I am not disappointed one bit.

When someone suggested I get a CamelBak, I thought it was the perfect idea for the walk. In all of the online training videos and sessions everyone said that the number one key to staying healthy during the walk is to Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate! When I got this in the mail I put it on right away. It's so comfortable and small enough that it won't be too bulky to carry for 60 miles. I can't wait to use it.

Now all I have to do is finishing my training..

Something to look forward to..

2010-07-25T10:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Lately, Brian has been on this kick of talking about his future children and all of the rules he hopes to enforce upon them once they arrive. He'll randomly ask me questions like: "Do you think you will let your daughter date before she is sixteen?" or "Would you reward your child for doing something that they should have done anyway?"

I basically just laugh at him, because the thought of parenting scares me to death. I feel like with children you only have one chance to get it right. Lean too far one way and you'll send them toppling down some darkened path. Whenever I make comments about child/parent relationships, I always follow my sentence with "Not that I've experienced parenthood before, therefore my opinion is probably moot."

Come to think of it, I really shouldn't be sharing my opinion at all.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep, so I just started to think about all of the things that I loved about being your daughter. Even though our lives were sometimes a little off balance, you kept my path pretty straight and narrow. You never suffocated me and always gave me the right amount of balance between freedom and captivity.. a balance that I took advantage of more than I proud to admit.

I realize now that I may see my childhood through a whole different lens, since you and I only have a past together. It's for this reason alone that I'm terrified that I won't get it right..

And no, it's not that I'm planning on becoming a parent soon. We're just constantly surrounded by parents with their children out at camp, that it's become an engine of conversation between Brian and I this summer. Until now, we haven't really spoken about it much and it never really sank in until last night, that you won't be around to help ease the transition of parenting and to talk me through all of my freak out moments.

I wish you could be Mom..

Your Daughter,

I miss my kitchen aid.

2010-07-23T12:41:00.000-07:00

If my kitchen aid mixer wasn't stuffed in a pile of boxes in a storage unit..

If I had a kitchen to cook in, stocked full of flour and brown sugar..

If the closest grocery store weren't 30 minutes away..

And if it weren't 80 degrees outside already when I woke up this morning..

I would have made these for breakfast.

Blueberry Cinnamon Rolls

They look absolutely delicious.

Training

2010-07-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Since I've gotten so close to my fundraising goal for the 3-Day walk, I've started to do some walking training. At first I thought that I wouldn't train at all... then I realized how crazy that sounded. I started to train yesterday, and by the end of my walk my legs felt like jell-o. I'm pretty sure someone is going to have to scrape me off the side of the road with a shovel at some point during the 3 days.

I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who has participated in this walk before and has some inside scoop on what I should bring. I'm starting to freak out over my packing list and I am terribly afraid I am going to go over my 35lb limit.

I am so excited that I've almost met my goal. I am so thankful to EVERYONE who has been so generous in their donations..I am overwhelmed at the response I got and can not say Thank You enough. This has been a huge dream of mine for years and I am so excited that it's finally going to happen!

I am only 23 days away from the opening ceremony and I will continue to update a long the way. I promise to share pictures of all of the awesome blisters I get too..

MIA

2010-07-20T08:34:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been..

Excited About: Spending time with my niece. She lives in Alabama with my sister, but she's been spending some time with Brian and I at camp. I'm soaking up every minute of it. She's the coolest seven year old ever.

Watching: Disney movies with my niece.

Cooking: I haven't cooked a single thing since May. Loving the camp food, but missing my kitchen.

Listening To: Home.Fm and the temporary air conditioner humming in my office. I can't wait until the AC is fixed!

Thinking: What am I going to do at the end of the summer? I should probably get on that..

Thankful for: Somerset Beach Campground.

----

Update: Anna just killed a spider in my office. I will be asking my sister if I can adopt her for this reason alone.

Boats.

2010-07-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

We're home from vacation.

It's almost 9 p.m. & I'm still not completely unpacked because my better half is cuddled up on the couch covered in a sea of blankets with a fever. I've done the best I could at getting everything put away, but I'm at a loss of where he stores his tools and all of the extra camping gear.

Vacation was great, but I can't help but miss you more then ever right now.

I always have a hard time when I'm out on the water. I loved growing up out on a boat, spending my summers out there with you and Dennis. Every weekend was an adventure and all of my friends loved to come with us.. I have so many great memories like that.

While we were in Charlevoix one afternoon, Brian and I walked the docks together. We marveled at all of the large yachts and we stumbled across a boat identical to ours. I told him how much I missed that part of my life how I wished he could have gone with us and spent time with us on our boat and that he and I could share memories together with you.

If I close my eyes tight enough, I can almost picture it.

It's bittersweet the thought of us all together, out on the water, tied up to some buoy and enjoying a beautiful Saturday. It breaks my heart that it will never happen, but more than that it kills me that no one can understand that part of my life. It feels like so long ago, that it must have happened to a completely different person, as if someone else's memories occupy my mind.

I cherish the times that we spent out there together, but I'm angry that we were robbed of more days like that. I'm angry that you will forever be past tense and that there is no way to merge together my life before with my life now.

I don't want to say that I wish someone could understand, because I would never wish the absence my heart feels upon anyone else. I just wish that I didn't have to feel it, because it robs me of the joy I should be feeling in moments like that.

I just miss you mom, more than ever.

Your Daughter,

Charlevoix.

2010-06-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

This week Brian and I will leaving to go on Vacation! We'll be joining our family in Charlevoix and have been looking forward to it all year.

Every other year the whole Luke family gets together for a week or so and go camping at Young State Park. This will be my 4th time up there with the family & it never gets old. I've posted some pictures for memory's sake. However, I will warn you that in one point in my life I actually thought I could pull off blonde highlights. I was wrong, stupid and naive. The only recovery I can give myself here is that I realized quickly how awful it looked and have not touched my hair since.

[summer 2004]

[summer 2006]

[summer 2008]

This summer I'm looking forward to doing some geocaching up there. We've never cached in the park and I found some pretty awesome caches online. Brian is excited that the jet-skis are still working again this year & we can't wait to get them on the lake!

All that to say, tomorrow at noon, I'll be on my way to paradise!

Two

2010-06-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I celebrate two wonderful years of marriage to a pretty awesome guy. In a lot of ways it seems like we've been together forever (we've actually been together for six) and in some ways it seems like just yesterday I couldn't wait to hold his hand after high school when we would meet at his car and he would give me a ride home.

He's amazing and I am truly blessed to have him as my husband and my best friend. These two years have been an incredible journey filled with many relocations and a lot of emotional ups and downs. This is the kind of life I always dreamed of and I am so happy to share it with him.

Happy Anniversary, Brian.

[2004] right after we started dating

[2006] while in college at SAU

[2007] Engagement Picture - taken by Sara

[2008] - Wedding, also taken by Sara

Here's to many more wonderful years of marital bliss.

Sitting duck.

2010-06-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

In case I wasn't clear enough last week, I hate storms.

Okay, now that I've been very clear on that point -- Let me just say that I am very happy to be sitting in a basement with fifteen other lovely people from camp watching America's Got Talent. In here, I can pretend like there is nothing going on in the world outside this basement.

Tornado Warning? Who cares.

70 - 90 Mph winds predicted? For the wimps.

Trees probably falling on our camper? It will survive.

[other than the fact that my cat is in there alone.. I bid him adieu and told him I may see him on the "other side."]

For now, I'm a sitting duck, but at least I'm not alone.

Sick.

2010-06-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

About three days ago Brian woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. I should have known not to go within 10 feet of him, but I didn't listen to myself. Our living space is so much smaller than it used to be, I'm sure the germs spread even more quickly around here.

Two days ago, Brian woke up with his eye swollen completely shut. I felt bad for him, but I couldn't help but laugh and make Quasi Moto jokes. We're sure that it's poison ivy.. considering if someone even mentions "poison ivy" he's sure to get it.

I guess I should have kept my joking to myself, because this morning I woke up feeling like death. My throat is killing me and by mid day I had a fever and my ears were pounding. Thankfully I had the day off so I slept the majority of the day and then finally Brian convinced me to go to the Med Center this evening.

Of course, they put me on antibiotics & hopefully by tomorrow I'll be feeling better.

[Side Note: One thing that I love about being sick, is that Cody is always a good cuddler.]

Alone time.

2010-06-14T11:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Recently, I've just been enjoying the fact that I have time to relax. I know I've already mentioned and complained to you that I used to work a lot in Ohio.. But I am still overwhelmed with joy at the amount of free time I have & that I get to spend most of it with Brian and other friends & family.

Today, on my day off, I'm sitting in our trailer alone and I can still hear laughter and familiar voices in the distance (I just watched Pride and Prejudice last night.. so look past my sentimental banter). I hadn't realized how much I'd missed this while we were away. I really thought moving back would be a bit of an adjustment. I continue to surprise myself with my ability to adjust and adapt to change.

I'm writing this down because I don't want to forget how I feel right now. At some point during this summer, it is going to feel as though the world is closing in on me and I'll want to spend time alone.. just for the sole purpose of that... time. alone.

When it does happen I want to remember the joy that I am feeling right now during this newness known as our life. This journey that we are on together and one that I hope continues for a long time.

I love my job.

my husband.

my family.

All is right in the world right now.

Oh -- and I love you, Mom.

Your Daughter,

As heard tonight at Target..

2010-06-09T18:50:00.000-07:00

Me: [while in the fitting room at Target] "So what do you think of this dress?"

Brian: "I don't know.. it looks fine."

Me: "Fine?.. so is that a good fine or a bad fine?"

Brian: "It's fine. I like it."

Me: "Well.. should I get it?"

Brian: "Is it going to be like that one time we went to Banana Republic and you got that dress that was a really good deal and it doesn't fit and has been hanging in our closet for a year?"

Me: "So it looks good?"

Brian: [walks away]

On Thunderstorms.

2010-06-06T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Do you remember me sharing with you about my continued fear of Thunderstorms and how it was starting to get better?

Well, last night tested that theory.

I failed at being brave. I was a total wimp and I am so disappointed in myself. As soon as I heard the tornado sirens go off, I kicked over into crazy person mode and started shaking and pacing around. Thankfully, everyone at camp knows how much of a baby I am and a family here offered for us to stay at their second home for the night. You know, a place with a roof and a foundation that is firmly planted into the ground. Unlike the tin box we are currently living in.

I am not sure how Brian can stay married to someone who is completely useless in a situation like that. He packed up all of our stuff (cat included) and hauled everything over to the house so that I wouldn't have to be outside. He set up an air mattress and held my hand in the basement, even though he didn't think we needed to be there in the first place. Then at 2:30 am (after the warnings had passed), my normal, less delusional self kicked back in and decided we should probably go back to camp. He proceeded to pack everything back up, deflate the air mattress and take us back to camp so that we could sleep in our own bed.

I don't know how I got so lucky, but thank God that I did.

Anyway, I feel like a total failure. I want nothing more then to be brave when it comes to situations like that. I wish I could make other people understand that when I start freaking out like that, it's not me. I'm gone and some crazy person has taken over my body. I don't want to be known as that girl who's terrified of tornadoes, but I am.

I'll continue to work on it and pray through it. The worst part about it for me is that I don't want to live a life that is guided by fear. I want to be strong and trust God in everything, but I continue to fail in situations like this. As soon as I hear that siren, my trust in Him goes straight out the window. I hate that.

Next time Mom, I hope I'm not such a wimp.

Your Daughter,

Feeling the flub.

2010-06-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

My focus over this summer is to get myself back into shape.

One thing I remember about you, is that you always loved to stay active. You were very involved in the aerobics program at the local gym & you would take a flight of stairs over an elevator ride any day.

In fact, one of the hardest parts about watching cancer take over your life is that you were no longer able to be as active as you liked. I know that really bothered you, but I promise no one judged you for it.

Unfortunately, I don't think I inherited your eagerness for exercise.

During college, I was extremely active. I worked out every day, skipped the dessert table in the dining commons and did my best not to pack on the "freshman fifteen." I succeeded in my efforts... until I got married.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming marriage. Although now that I mention it, Brian doesn't always have to pass me the bag of potato chips when I ask for them.

Anyway, my point is this: while we were in Ohio, I sort of lost focus of staying healthy. We would go on special "diets" to avoid putting on extra weight, but I never made time for a lot of exercise. I was so tired by the end of my day, that is was honestly the last thing I wanted to do.

I should point out that I'm not talking about losing weight here. I'm just talking about keeping myself healthy, so that I can take care of my body to the best of my ability. I think that being active was definitely one thing that impacted your ability to fight so strongly against cancer.

If it ever came down to it, I would want to give my kids the same fight that I saw in you.

So here's to eating one less doughnut and one more carrot.

Cheers.

Your Daughter,

Lucky.

2010-06-01T16:10:00.000-07:00

I would post a picture the beautiful view that I get to see from both my home and my office every day if:

A. My cat didn't break our camera by using it as a chew toy.

B. We had enough money to buy a new camera to replace the old one.

In the meantime, here's a picture of my cat. It's the best I can do.

[don't judge me]

[Fun]draising

2010-05-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

My fundraising efforts for the 3-Day walk have been going really well. The best part about the journey is that I have been able to share your story with anyone who asks.

Last week our team had a bowling fundraiser and it was a major success! We raised $1,300 & everyone seemed to have a lot of fun.

All of your siblings we're there & it was awesome to get together and celebrate your life!

Your Daughter,

Recently I'm..

2010-05-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

This last year was a blur.. that's the only way I can describe it. But Ladies & Gentelman: I am back.

I know you missed me, but I didn't have enough time in my day to sweep my floor, let alone post on here. My work hours were crazy & by the time I got home I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch and suck my thumb.

Now that my old job is behind me & we're back in Michigan.. let's catch up!

Recently I'm...

Excited about: Being able to blog again, now that I've come out of my dark hole, known as my old, crazy work schedule.

Reading: The Historian. It was given to me by Jennie at work, and I am absolutely loving it.

Listening: I can not get the "Airplanes" song out of my head. I think it's going to be stuck there forever..

Cooking: I'm not. I really miss it too. The last thing I made was a cake for Stacy's graduation. I'm loving camp food, but really missing the feeling of covering my kitchen in flour. It was a sad day when I had to pack up my kitchen-aid, since there isn't room in our trailer!

Thinking: That I feel so blessed to be out at camp for the summer. I couldn't think of a better place to spend my time.

Wearing: A cotton skirt from Old Navy I bought two years ago for my Italy trip. I haven't worn it since & now I'm wondering why I dont' wear it more often? [i have a shirt on too]

Craving: Starbucks. The only negative thing about being out at camp is that the closest Starbucks is more than 20 miles away.. [insert cry here]

Thankful for: Family. I am constantly surrounded out here & at times it can feel overwhelming, but I honestly wouldn't trade it for the world.

Laughing at: Kids. They are the funniest little characters.

Loving: Life.

60 Miles

2010-02-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

Ok, ok.. I know I haven't written in a while. But before you get all upset, please let me start by sharing something exciting with you! Cecilia, Sally and I are walking in the breast cancer 3 day in August together! I know, so exciting right?

I knew you would have wanted to walk with us if you could, so the moment I registered I had to write to let you know.

I know without organizations like Susan G. Komen that we wouldn't have gotten those six beautiful years together after your diagnosis. I have always been so thankful for the Komen foundation and their wonderful efforts and I too have always wanted to participate. This is the year that I am finally going to get the chance.

The amount of money that we have to raise is sort of huge, but I know we will be able to do it. I know if we fight half as hard as you did, that it is definitely possible. You are such an inspiration for this journey that we are about to embark on together. Each and every step in those 60 miles that I walk is going to be for you.

If you know anyone who may want to donate they can by simply following this link: Breast Cancer 3-Day

Thanks for your wonderful fight, Mom & I love you.

Your daughter,

Deborah

growing pains.

2009-11-15T21:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

I've neglected you, and I'm sorry. It's just that life's been well.. hard and busy. Really, really busy.

Remember when I was twelve and I would beg you to let me shave my legs and you wouldn't let me? You would tell me that I would have the rest of my life to shave my legs and eventually I would hate it. Well, you were right. I hate it.

I know deep down it was because you were trying to preserve the little bit of childhood I had left, but it was so difficult for me to understand. I had this overwhelming desire to grow up a little faster. I just want you to know that I appreciate your thoughtfulness now. Life has somehow gotten in the way of the little things and neglecting to write to you is one of those things. Being a grown up is not as much fun as I always thought it would be.

I can't promise I'll get better at writing, because to be quite honest I haven't had a lot of extra time lying around lately. I do want you to know that I miss it though. In my mind I create letters, and I know you get those too, but it's just not the same.

Until next time, when I find an extra few minutes, I want you to know that I love you and I appreciate every ounce of childhood you tried to keep in me.

Your daughter,

Deborah

lump.

2009-08-17T09:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

About a week ago I found a lump and went to the doctors to have it checked out. I had a suspicion that I shouldn't be all that worried, but I didn't want to just write it off either. The doctor didn't seem all that concerned about it, but he sent me for a mammogram and an ultrasound anyway. He explained that it was probably fibroid tissue, but given our family history, he wanted to have me sent over anyway.

Of course I've made myself sick with worry, even though the doctor explained that it was probably nothing. Everyone else I told about the tests, offered the same condolence, but I don't think anything could change how worried I will be every time I go in for one of these tests. Aside from my fear of cancer, I've always feared the dreaded mammogram. People always talk about how awful they are and how much it hurts, so I wasn't exactly excited to go in and get squished.

Today I went for tests and it was a wonderful experience. Wonderful, because the doctor was right. I have fibroid cysts and dense tissue that are probably just now showing up due to age or birth control. The ultrasound tech was really nice and talked me through the whole thing. She showed me the "lump" on the screen and what it looked like, then showed me what it would look like if it was a mass or a tumor. She reassured me that I did the right thing by coming in and didn't make me feel like I was paranoid for being worried about it.

The mammogram itself wasn't painful at all. Obviously it wasn't the most comfortable experience I have ever had, but I wouldn't label it dreadful nor would I tell anyone that it hurt.

When the radiology physician came in we discussed your history and we even talked about genetic testing, an option several OB's have shoved down my throat when they find out about your history. She explained that you wouldn't even have known what genetic testing was, since you passed away just a few years before it became the new thing. Had it been around, you could have had it done so that it could be determined if your type of cancer was genetic or not. Otherwise, she explained, that even if I tested positive all that would determine is that they would take a more radical approach to my testing cycle, which they are going to do anyway, given your history.

I think the best part about the whole experience is that the doctor was patient and understanding. She listened to me and didn't write off my concerns. She didn't suggest I have genetic testing, instead she explained more what it is and why it's recommended in some situations. She showed me right away that the tissue was nothing to be worried about, but that I shouldn't write off any future changes as fibroid tissue or cysts.

I am amazed at how much has changed since you've passed away. Each day not only do they get closer to finding a cure, but people are becoming more educated and testing options are getting easier and more accurate.

I am so relieved that it is nothing, but I am so thankful to have had the experience.

I love you, Mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Cooking.

2009-08-11T09:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

About two weeks ago some of our family came down to visit our new place. Then we drove over to hang out with some of our family from Cleveland and naturally we began to talk about you. They were sharing stories of when we would all come down to Cleveland for Easter every year and before I knew it every one was jumping in with memories and funny stories.

I loved sitting back listening, as it was interesting to see you through a veil of other peoples memories. I never realized how many different impressions we can leave on people when they base our entire existence and personality on one moment or memory they may have shared with us. From that moment on that is the veil through which they will see you and when you pass away the story will be passed on.

Makes me want to be more careful about what I say and how I act, especially now that who we are is so accessible through blogs, twitter and facebook. People begin to think that we are what we type and that one tweet mistake we wrote begins to define us forever. It's kind of scary.

Anyway, where I was going with this was that it made me realize two consistent things you will forever be known for. Two things that everyone at the party agreed upon:

1. You were a crazy [fast] driver.

2. You were a horrible cook.

I laugh at number one, because I can't imagine thinking of you as being crazy at anything, but as your memories serve you I guess you did have a little bit of a wild side. The second thing I have always known, because growing up I considered hamburger helper as gourmet. You never had any interest in cooking, therefore you never became great at it. You were the kind of person who could do anything you set your mind to, but cooking never interested you. People would often joke of your ability to "burn water" and for every holiday, even Christmas, it was requested you bring a taco salad because it was the only thing you could make well.

This is the one area where I have been determined to be absolutely nothing like you and cooking has become something that I love. In college I realized quickly that no one had ever shown me how to cook, especially when I was eating Ramen Noodles every night and my roommate was downstairs making some sort of casserole or pot roast out of the cookbooks she had brought with her to college. I had never even owned a cookbook.

Long story shortened, I bought a cookbook when Brian and I got engaged. I started experimenting at home during the summer and by the time we were married I understood the basics. Now that I have nothing else to do I am baking 2-3 times a week and am constantly reading blogs to find something new to make for dinner. I'm not all the great at it and I could never be a chef. I don't do it because I feel obligated, but because I truly love it.

I'm not sure what I'll be known for when I die, but I'm hoping they won't say that I was a horrible cook.

As for the crazy driver part? I'm not sure. I've developed quite a bit of road rage down here in Ohio since everyone likes to drive 35 mph, no matter the speed limit. No promises on that one.

I love you, mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

When I grow up..

2009-07-21T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

When you were younger were you one of those kids who knew what you wanted to do when you grew up?

I'm totally not one of those people, never have been. I'm so envious of people who have those kinds of dreams and they just make them happen. I don't have any problem trying to make the dream happen, I just don't have the specific dream.

I've tried writing, and it's not really something I would be good enough to do as a career. It's a hobby. I'm good with kids, but I think I lack the patience as a teacher. The sight of blood makes me weak, therefore the medical field is mostly out of the question. I can't play an instrument and my voice is so awful I swear people strategically choose not to sit next to us at church.

I feel awful that I'm already done with college, yet I still don't know what I want to do. I know we've had this talk before, but I'm just in awe of people who have known what they we're meant to do since they were kids.

I'm getting impatient and our finances are becoming stressful. We have to strategically figure out where each dollar goes so that way we can continue to pay on our student loans at a reasonable rate.

I'm sorry I'm whiney, I just am having one of those moments.

I love you, mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Stewart's Caring Place

2009-07-09T13:18:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

While you were sick I often wondered if you felt alone. I wondered if when you talked to your friends if it felt like there was something missing, because they couldn't relate to what you were going through. Sure, we all tried. Some even shaved their heads to help fill the void you may have been feeling.

I wonder though, in those quiet moments before bed if you yearned to have someone say "I know exactly what you are going through!"

When we moved to Ohio, a friend tole me about Stewart's Caring Place and I knew right away that I had to get involved. Stewart's is a place for people who have cancer that can help them feel a little less alone. It's a place I know you would have loved, which is why I knew I had to volunteer.

At Stewart's cancer patients can come and take Yoga, go to counseling sessions, take art classes, receive financial advice, get wigs, visit their resource library, get massages and physical therapy treatments and so much more.. it's a beautiful escape from the white halls of a hospital building and it is all FREE!

It's truly an amazing place and I am in awe of the work that everyone behind the scenes has done to make it all possible. It all started with a conversation around a coffee table when a need was recognized and it has grown into this beautiful resource and caring facility for people who need support during their journey. I feel so honored to work alongside such beautiful people.

Every day I am amazed at how I am able to use your journey to inspire others and even inspire myself. Just when I think that I'm not going to make it through another interview or that financially we are going to fall on our faces, I remember what you did and how you battled a horrible, vile and devastating illness.

Even if you ever felt alone, I want you to know that you weren't. I tried the best I could to carry the burden with you, and today I am still carrying your story with me, in hope that together, we can make a difference.

I love you, Mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

On Grandma.

2009-07-09T13:03:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Being away from home wasn't hard, until today.

I say that because today I called home to talk to Grammy. She is just recently home from a rehab center where she spent the past two months living and she is having a hard time with the transition back home. It was good for her and physically she is getting a lot better in that way, but mentally, she has started to regress.

Our conversation went a bit like this:

me: Hey Grandma, how you doing?

grammy: Deborah? Oh, hi dear. I'm good.

me: How are you feeling?

grammy: I'm feeling fine. I can't understand why you haven't come to visit me?

me: Grammy, I moved to Ohio, remember?

grammy: oh, well.. I better go, I'm tired.

me: Ok Grammy.. I love you..

grammy: Remember, always, grammy loves you.

----

It was heartbreaking for two reasons. The first being she had no memory what so ever that I had moved and when she realized this, she wanted to forget the fact that she couldn't remember. She was so eager to hang up the phone. Two, she always tells me to remember that she loves me and it broke my heart that I can't be there for her.

Since she has been home everyone has been taking turns spending the night with her and I can't be there to do that. I feel guilty for leaving when she has always been there for me. I feel awful that I can't be helpful. Most importantly, I feel sad that slowly she will only be able to remember fewer and fewer things about me, when she is (next to you) my favorite thing to talk about.

Today, my heart yearns for Michigan. I yearn for the afghan that is draped over her couch that she would cover me up with when I was sick. I miss the feel of her cold hands when she wraps them in mine and encourages me that everything will be okay and that 'this too shall pass.' I miss her telling me how awful my hair looks every time I get it cut and that she can no longer harass me asking, "Are those another new pair of shoes?"

I miss Michigan. I miss Grammy. I miss you.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Changing Memories: Mackinac Island

2009-06-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Last weekend marked my one year wedding anniversary. To celebrate, we took a trip up north in Mackinaw City, Michigan. I had only been to Mackinac Island once and the memories I have are horrible.

I know it seems taboo for a child to share with others that they were disappointed in their parents, especially after they have passed away. I'm sure if you were still alive I would muster up the confidence to share my feelings with you in relation to this trip.

When I was about 8 or 9 you dropped me off with some family friends to go up to Mackinaw Island for a four day weekend. It was mid-July and we had just gotten back from a weekend away on the boat at Crystal Bay and I had gotten some major sun. Anyone who has ever known me knows that my skin is the brightest shade of white that skin comes in and the only way I am able to achieve "color" is when all of my freckles pop out at the beginning of the summer.

That weekend I must not have listened very well at your request to constantly apply the sunscreen, because by the time you dropped me off for my Mackinaw getaway, I had mountain sized blisters popping off the tops of my shoulders. They were painful and red and I could barely sit in a car comfortably, let alone lie down in bed.

I shudder at the thought that you dropped me off anyway. Of course you stopped at a drugstore and picked up some Aloe or something like that, but your husband had you on a time schedule of when you needed to get back to head off on your next get away. I was afraid to tell you of how much pain I was in, for fear that you wouldn't get to go have fun on your vacation. I was also afraid of missing out on Mackinac Island.

I think that your motherly instinct was telling you otherwise, but you left me anyway.

That's the only time in my childhood that I can think of that you disappointed me. That whole weekend I was miserable and finally our family friend called in a prescription for me so that I could experience some relief. By the end of the weekend I was fine, but I definitely didn't enjoy my stay at the island.

I say all this to say, this trip up there was much better and we had a lot of fun. For some strange reason it brought some closure to the last time I was up there, because some of the places looked familiar. It made me realize that the memory is probably more painful than the actual experience. I can finally associate Mackinac Island with good memories.

Know that I don't hold it against you. One painful memory in sixteen years really isn't all that bad and I am sure I disappointed you all the same.

Here are some pictures from our trip!

This was the view from our campsite

We did some Geocaching on the Island

Wish you were here.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

the move.

2009-06-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

We have officially settled in to our new home. The great (and at times not-so-great) thing about growing up is my ability to adapt to change. I've been living out of a suitcase for so long that living out of boxes for a few weeks wasn't so bad. Though, I will say that I'm glad that part is nearly over! Saying goodbye to everyone wasn't as hard as I thought it would be either, but I blame that too on my ever changing life circumstances.

I feel so blessed to have been provided with so much when there are so many people who do not have a place to call home. People kept asking me how I was dealing with it so well and that's truly what it is. I can handle being 3 hours away from my friends and family if it means that I have shelter and a place to call home.

Last weekend someone told us that they read that the Detroit Metropolitan Area's unemployment rate was 25%! It's honestly so devastating because that is only counting the people who are actually eligible for unemployment. When you see and hear numbers like that, you can't help but count your blessings.

Our greatest blessing is the home we are renting. I never imagined when Brian first mentioned our moving that we would actually be living in a house! The owner was so generous that we are renting it for the same as our apartment in Michigan. It's so great to have so much space to live in and to have a kitchen that is actually large enough to store all of our appliances!

Here's a sneak peek of the outside, because the inside isn't pretty enough for visitors yet!

Your Daughter,

Deborah

See ya later, Starbucks.

2009-06-12T07:06:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Today was my official last day of Starbucks. I am not completely sure how I feel about it, but I do know it was really hard to say goodbye. I had finally found something I was really good at and to walk away from it was heartbreaking.

I will miss so many of my amazing customers and was so overwhelmed with their interest and emotion in my leaving. Today after many hugs and tearful goodbyes, I can honestly say that I feel I've made a difference.

I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to work with and serve so many amazing people and have you to thank for it.

Thanks for creating and allowing my coffee addiction, because without it, I would never have gotten to know so many wonderful people.

To my starbucks family: I will deeply miss you all.

I love you, mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Return of the Dead.

2009-06-05T11:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I cried for the first time in front of a customer. It was the most embarrassing display of affection, considering he is the grumpiest old man in the world.

Do you remember me talking about him?

Well about 6 months ago he stopped coming in for his sandwich and coffee. All of us missed being cussed out by him every day and we began to worry that something may have happened to him. Another fellow Barista even checked over at the gym to see if he had been in there, which they informed us he had not. We had pronounced him dead.

While I was on my lunch break downstairs I heard this old voice colorfully order their venti coffee and sandwich. I literally flew (more like fell) up the stairs to see if it was him. Immediately my eyes teared up because it was like the walking dead and I felt so stupid. There is no way he would ever be able to appreciate my affection.

When I asked him how he's been here's what he told me:

"I was in jail.. and don't believe what she says..I didn't do it."

Later I heard him tell another Barista he had extreme and painful surgery on his left pinkie toe, so thanks for being concerned.

The truth? He flew south for the winter and the extremely likely possibility completely escaped my mind.

It sort of reminded me of what life will be like when [if] I get to see you again. Our reunion I imagine would colorful in a completely different way and I can barely wait for that day to arrive.

I love you.

Your Daughter,
Deborah

No Internet.

2009-06-03T15:43:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

I have no internet. I have used the library, borrowed someones phone and even stopped at the Apple store in the mall just to take advantage of free internet. Thus my lack of updating and writing.

I can't believe I ever lived without it before, although I am getting a lot of other things accomplished. I can't wait to update you in detail but I totally forgot that I haven't told you that I'm moving.

Brian was offered a job in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio and he has been down there for the last two weeks. After June 12th, I will be joining him and we will begin our new adventure.

We are excited about the move, sad about leaving family and looking forward to whatever life may have in store for us.

Mothers Day

2009-05-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

It's been what.. a month since I've been on here?

I was all motivated to write you today and tell you how much I love you, how great you were and how spending mothers day without you is an empty hole I hope to fill someday by having a child of my own.

Instead, this is all I can write.

I have a fever and a sore throat. I opened at work this morning at 5 am and did not leave until 2 pm. In the exact words of a co-worker I didn't need the day off because well, "I don't have a mom." Right now I'm exhausted, but I have to go to the grocery store because I forgot to buy Brian cake mix for his birthday tomorrow.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and just plain ol' sick. In other words, I could really use my mother.

Happy Mothers Day, Mom!

Your daughter,

Deborah

Happy Birthday!

2009-04-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well, today is your birthday!

Your 52nd birthday actually. I can almost hear you complaining about it and whining because you are so old. Youth was never something you wanted to leave behind, but I am sure you would look just as great as ever.

It got me thinking about birthday traditions and all of the fun things we used to do in order to celebrate. I remember waffles and ice cream for breakfast & going to the Matador for your favorite mexican food and fried ice cream. I also remember driving down to Ohio for Easter and celebrating your birthday with family down there. There was one year while in Ohio you bought me my own little karaoke box with the red microphone attached. I recorded an amazing rendition of happy birthday on there for you and played it over and over again. Trust me mom, I know my voice is barely tolerable so props to you for putting up with it.

The year after you left me, I decided our family and friends should get together to celebrate your birthday. We went to your favorite Italian restaurant and just spent time talking about you and sharing in your memory. Everyone thought I was crazy. I could hear the silent whispers they were saying and I seriously think they wanted to have me checked and put on medication They didn't understand how good it made me feel to get back together with people I hadn't seen since your funeral and hear them talk about how great you were and how much you loved me. It was a wonderful time of healing for me and I'm glad they came, even though they thought I was losing it.

Needless to say, I haven't suggested anything like that since (although they probably think I'm just as crazy for writing these letters). What they're missing though is how incredibly important it is to celebrate life, even when that person is gone. Your birthday is a time to remember just that. Your birth. The fact that you existed on this planet for 46 [short] years and that for those years you were an incredible, loving and caring person. That you were there for me, and all of those people, time and time again.

So today I celebrate your life. Whether I'm alone in that celebration or not, I celebrate it knowing that you would do the same for me. I celebrate it because I love you and because you deserve it more than anyone else I know.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

Your daughter,

Deborah

On being thrifty.

2009-03-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

This week has been frustrating. Beyond frustrating, actually. Brian and I had major problems with our wedding photographers this week and thankfully they are over. In two weeks when we get our wedding pictures back, we will never have to deal with them again. I can not stress enough how much I wish we would have put more money into having a good photographer. Actually, it wasn't the photography that was the problem, it was the people. I only wish we would have spent more time getting to know them before we signed a contract, but we were trying to take advantage of a "right this very instant" kind of a deal.

Regardless of it's frustrations, this week has brought great promises as well. As of this week we have successfully paid off one of our student loans. We are in major debt mostly because of my loans, but hopefully in two years they will be a thing of the past. People keep telling us how crazy we are and how impossible it is going to be, but paying off debt is addicting. It felt so awesome to pay off that one small loan that I keep finding all kinds of ways to save money so we can keep on paying them off.

You were always financially savvy and I unfortunately did not pick up on that trait all that much. Although I made it through college without acquiring debt all the while taking care of myself on my own, I never picked up on accounting skills of any kind. Thankfully enough my husband is sort of a genius when it comes to this sort of thing, otherwise I would be paying off those bad boys for the next 30 years.

I should get going though, Brian agreed to watch Twilight with me tonight and I need to go do that before he changes his mind. I feel so ashamed at being excited for it's release, but I am. I can barely wait to watch it.

Until next time.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Summer Obligations.

2009-03-18T17:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Did you ever feel pulled in so many directions when it came to summer commitments and plans?

I always look forward to Spring because of how everything seems to come alive again, but then my mailbox starts piling up with invitations to showers and weddings, magazines for vacations, coupons for travel and then there is phone calls with invitations from out of state family.

I'm not saying that I dread being invited to any of these things, because I am excited about each one of them. The problem is that I want to go to every single one of them and it's not possible. Both financially and strategically.

My goal for this summer is to try to find time where Brian and I can spend some time by ourselves. It sounds selfish, but I don't want this summer to pass and for us to look back and wonder how we didn't even enjoy one weekend.

I'll let you know how it goes, besides it can't be that hard to say no, can it?

Until next time.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Health Update.

2009-03-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

Just an update on my health:

I've successfully completed a whole week lactose free and I'm feeling better. I haven't had any major bouts of nausea or pain and overall I think this diet is helping. I keep hoping I will continue to be sick so that I don't have to live without my two major food groups: Caramel Macchiatos and Ice Cream.

For now it seems I will continue to live this way until I somehow find a way for it to be something else. I keep triple checking my symptoms on Web Md hoping I can self diagnose myself into some other illness. I'm sure that's the exact reason that doctors hate that website, but it gives me hope.

It's just strange that all of a sudden you can be lactose intolerant at 22, but my doctor doesn't seem to think so.

Have some ice cream for me.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Bucket List.

2009-03-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

I know it's cliche and about a year after the movie came out, but Brian and I decided to come up with a Bucket List together. We made it about a month ago and I keep going over and over it excited about some of the things we hope to do together.

I am a goal setter and a list maker and I hope more than anything that we live out some of these dreams. We also promised that if one of us dies, we have to finish the list anyway.

One of the things you always encouraged me to do was to travel and get out in the world to see things. This became important to our family when you got really sick. It really bugs me that you never got to see and do some of the things you wanted to do before it was too late, so I put some of your dreams in there too.

I thought I would share it with you.

- Enjoy the view of the Northern Lights

- Visit Mount Rushmore

- Go to Yellowstone

- Ski together in Colorado

- Visit the Pikes Place Starbucks

- Go on a cruise

- Visit Alaska

- Greece, England, Australia, France and Spain

- Go to Disney World (I can't believe I still have never been!)

- Go to Washington D.C. with our children

- Hawaii

- Adopt

- Fly a plane (I hope Brian gets to do this without me)

- Panama Canal

- Eat a Philly in Philly

- Own a Golden Retriever

- Own and run a tree farm (Brian's dream.. I suppose I can support it)

- Go on a missions trip together

- Skate at Rockefeller Center

- Own a coffee shop/Bookstore and name it Anna's (after you)

- Go to Charlevoix with our children and then grandchildren later in life

- Build a house

- Lead at least one person to Christ

- Write a book (me)

- Do the Iron Man (Brian)

- Go back to Put-in-Bay to show Brian where we spent so much time

- Own a boat

It's a tall order and a huge list, but I think we will knock out a lot of them if we really try. I'm not saying our dreams won't change or that life won't get in the way -- but there's nothing wrong with dreaming. You taught me that.

Besides, you are a daily reminder that life is way too precious and definitely too short.

I love you, mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

On Friends.

2009-03-06T16:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I'm sitting home alone tonight, which is something I've been doing a lot lately, and I keep thinking about how much I really miss my friends.

Throughout college I developed a handful of some really great friends, all of which were fun and dependable in different ways. Everyone always told me when I was done with school I would not keep in touch with many of them and that as time passed college would just become this thing I did for four years with these really great people I haven't talked to in a long time.

Almost a year has passed since college and I can say I know what those people were talking about. I know I will see my friends at weddings and every once and a great while, but I really miss hanging out and walking across the hall to have some much needed girl time.

Now it takes effort and communication amongst a busy schedule and traveling to different counties or states to meet with and talk to those friends. And sometimes when long periods of time go by it's almost awkward and routine. Like you can't get past catching up to dig deep with one another.

I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call a girlfriend to go for a walk or grab coffee and there isn't anyone within a 45 mile radius that I can do that with.

So friends, if your out there I love and miss you. I wish we weren't so far away from one another so that I could call you and we could hang out and grab some coffee.

I just miss that connection.

And mom, I miss you.

Your daughter,

Deborah

Hair Cuts and New Schedules.

2009-03-02T18:03:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

I'm sitting home alone again tonight and I am really starting to adjust to the new schedule of my life. Brian got a job working for Coke, which is awesome, but his schedule totally stinks. He leaves home every day around Noonish and doesn't return until around 10:00 at night. I'm very thankful that he has a job, but meal planning and spending time together has been a bit of a challenge.

I also had my 6 month review at work today and it went well. For our reviews I was rated on a scale of 1-3 on different platforms and it turns out overall I am "meeting expectations." Of course I struggle because I don't like grading systems, especially ones where it is not possible to get straight A's (in this case 3's), but I'll deal. The important thing is that I got a raise!

I'm still struggling on my overall career objective. All I know is that I love kids, old people and connecting with people. I love to plan events, but not weddings. I love to teach, but I don't think I would make a good teacher. I love to write, but I don't think I would enjoy doing it for a living. I would love to work for a place that I am passionate about, yet I am not sure what my passion is.

I got my hair cut too! It's the shortest I have ever had it in my life. I actually can't believe I was brave enough to do it, but I am happy with the outcome.

Let's hope I find some motivation soon.

I love you.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Writers Block.

2009-02-14T18:58:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

Life has been busy. It's my excuse all the time and I will continue to use it, because it is the only one I have.

I've had this little stint of writers block that will not go away. My mind will start to travel into this interesting and creative place and then...nothing. Dead end. I really hope it ends soon because I enjoy my letters to you and sharing you with my friends and whoever else may stumble upon this little project. Any ideas that help motivate inspiration? I miss writing.

I've also been having these really weird dreams.

Lately I've been craving chocolate, like angry cravings. So angry that I don't care to what lengths Brian has to go to get me chocolate RIGHT. NOW. Well, I had this dream that I was digging through this old lady's purse and I kept digging and digging and digging until finally I came across this miraculous pile of chocolate chips laying at the bottom of her purse. I started shoving them in my mouth as fast as I could and loved every minute of it.

Skipping ahead in my dream I remember the mom from One Tree Hill, Karen I think, walking over to me and letting me know that those wonderful chocolate chips I just ingested were not chocolate chips at all, they were nails actually. So I spent the remainder of my dream barfing them up and bleeding while experiencing a lot of pain.

I woke up with a sore throat and couldn't think about my dream without my stomach turning.

Moral of the story? I shouldn't eat chocolate. Apparently it's really bad for me.

I'm not sure why I decided to share that with you, but it is one of the most vivid and interesting dreams I have ever had and if you were here I am sure I would have told you about it as soon as I woke up.

Instead I had to share it with Brian and he spent the rest of the day asking me if I would like chocolate. or nails. or both. And "oh by the way, remember that disgusting dream you had last night?"

I wish I could have told you instead.

I love you mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Granny Annie.

2009-01-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

One thing I realized this week is that you should know how wonderful and beautiful all three of your granddaughters are. I got to spend time with all three of them over Christmas break and I was amazed at how much they are like you. Being with them again was so special. It is not very often that I get to share memories of you with someone who can actually relate to what I am saying. Someone who can say "Ohhh, I remember that!"

Kaitlyn Ann.

She is fifteen now, Mom. FIFTEEN. Can you believe it? I remember when she was born and I was so proud. I was an aunt at the age of eight, when most of my friends were just getting new little brothers and sisters. When we would bring her into stores, I couldn't help but laugh when people were shocked that you were already a grandma. You enjoyed the ego boost.

Kaitlyn is very mature for her age. She is definitely not a follower. When she has something to say, she makes sure that she says it, but chooses her words carefully, making an effort to consider everyones feelings. She would never hurt anyone on purpose, and it would crush her if she knew she did. Her heart is as tender as yours and she is so easily breakable too. She enjoys making people laugh and she is so smart. She is so good at drawing and will doodle on just about everything, including her arms, hands, shoes, whatever she can. And beautiful, gosh she is beautiful. Her skin is porcelain and I don't think she has even had one pimple in her life.

She is so much like you and loves to talk about you. She still refers to you as "Granny Annie" and enjoys talking about going camping and spending time at our house. I love how vivid her memories are of you, I can almost see them dancing in her mind when she talks about you. She misses you so much.

Lyndsey Jane.

Fourteen, and only 11 months behind Kaitlyn. She has filled into her role so well. Never once have I heard her complain about having a sister in the same grade, in fact they seem to enjoy having one another as friends. Actually, they remind me so much of you and Aunt Agnes.

Lyndsey is like you in a lot of ways too. She is so gosh darn beautiful and is always worried about her weight and how she looks. If I could make her understand one thing, it would be that she is perfect. just. as. she. is. You were just like that, always attending a new exercise class and wondering if your jeans made you look fat. That is totally Lyndsey, and just like you, she has absolutely no reason to be worried about it.

Lyndsey loves fashion and enjoys taking different pieces of clothing and throwing them together as an outfit. Matching or not matching, she wears what she wants. Even in the middle of winter, wearing moccasins even though they are totally inappropriate for the weather outside. I am so proud of her for this.

She has an edge in her attitude that let's you know she is getting irritated with you. She has a silence in her voice that let's you know when you are pushing her too far. She has a facial expression she makes that lets you know she just needs a little bit of encouragement.

I love watching her face light up when people compare her to you. She knows she is receiving a compliment and loves the thought of being just like her Granny Annie.

Anna Mae.

Wow! 6!

The last time you saw her, you were able to hold her in your arms. Would you believe me if I told you she is already in Kindergarden? Time really does fly.

It really is perfect that she was named after you.

Just like you, she loves to talk. Her biggest enjoyment comes from telling stories, explaining them in every detail in her wonderful southern accent. She knows she is funny and delights when people laugh along with her. She will often repeat it one more time, just to hear another round of laughter. Then she'll hide her rosy round face in her hands with embarrassment, when she realizes all eyes are on her.

Dance. She loves to dance. That had to come from you, because the rest of us are rhythmically challenged. She will put on her cheerleading songs and put on a show, but only for a small crowd and definitely not in front of boys. Especially Brian. Excuse me, Uunnncle Brian. She is so proud to introduce him to her family as her 'new uncle' whenever we come around.

One thing about Anna that has amazed me is how much of you is in her, even though she was so young when you left me. When she was about four she would set up tea parties in her living room for two and when you asked who the chair was for, she said you were sitting there with her. She would walk with her arm out and pretend to hold your hand walking through the super market. You were her imaginary friend and she would tell anyone about you. She was so proud to have you as a grandma, even if it was only in her memories.

She adores you.

Why am I telling you this? Because I've been thinking so much about the effect you have had on our family and how your absence has not gone unnoticed. Lately I have realized just how much you live through all of the people that I love. Those girls are a representation of what your love did for our family, and they know how much you loved them. They were so proud to have you as a grandma, even if you were stolen away from them too soon.

Know that they are proud of you and that you should be proud of them. Know that they are beautiful and that they haven't forgotten who you are. Know that no matter what, I will make sure all of your grandchildren know you in the same exact way and that they will know how special you were to all of us.

I love you.

Your daughter,

Deborah

Cody.

2009-01-22T20:36:00.001-08:00

Dear Mom,

I would like you to meet Cody. He's the most recent addition to our family and the most lovable yet annoying creature I have ever owned.

I wanted you to hear about him because everyone else that knows us has to. They have to listen to us talk about how smart he is. How he can play fetch and is willing to retrieve anything we throw. He drinks out of the toilet. He sleeps in our sink. He sucks his thumb like a baby (super annoying). He shakes his butt, wiggling it back in forth, when hunting for his ball. It's hilarious.

I am fully aware that when our friends leave our apartment they go home and tell everyone about how they have these weird friends who can't stop talking about their cat. We've slowly become those creepy cat people.

We love him.

He tests our patience at least ten times a day, knocking things over on purpose. We argue over how to punish him and chase after him when he steals something he is not supposed to have.

In some ways I believe know he is preparing us for how we can become great parents, shaping us for what is yet to come, showing us the kinds of things we are going to argue over when it comes to discipline and leniency.

I also wanted to tell you because you and I both loved cats. Grandma and I always talk about how you would sneak them in the house at night, even though you weren't supposed to have them in the house at all. You always had a weakness for them and understood that they can be awesome animals if given the same love that most people give to their dogs.

Well anyway, meet Cody.. because everyone else has to.

Your daughter,
Deborah

You went to college and all you are is a Barista?

2009-01-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I have started well over ten letters to you since the last time I wrote. For some reason I can not finish any of them.

I do not know what has caused this little stint of writers block. It could be that all of my energy and emotion is being piled into my job as well as helping Brian to find one and in the meantime secretly hoping that I don't have to stay at Starbucks forever.

I just wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing with my life. I wish I had some sort of an inspiration. I wish I could go back to May, before graduation, and have that feeling of motivation and confidence, knowing that I could now do whatever it is I want to do.

And here I sit, slowly paying off my student loans one painful payment after the other and for what? Because someone five years ago told me that in order to be successful in life I had to go to college.

What no one ever made fully aware to me is that I could graduate and still feel like I have absolutely no idea what I want to do. What I've realized now is that there are very few people who actually do make it through college knowing what they want to do.

So I wade with the majority in a pool of uncertainty, hoping that miraculously I will wake up tomorrow knowing what I am made for.

Mom I know that I might sound bitter. I'm not. It's just that if one more person (family members included) says to me "You wasted all of that money on school and now you work at Starbucks," I think I might crawl into a hole and hide there for a long time.

I just wish I knew what I was good at. I wish I knew what I should be doing, even if I forever and always hold the title "Barista."

I love you mom.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

Uncertainty.

2008-12-21T16:38:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

It's been difficult to write lately, but yet there is so much I still want to say to you all the time.

Life lately has been a bit interesting and I wish so much that you were here to comfort me. Brian is laid off now, so we are definitely feeling the stress and difficulty of the financial and economic crisis currently happening. We keep getting opinions and suggestions from some many people, which is nice. I can't lie though, it can also be overwhelming.

For so long I recognized how fortunate Brian and I were to be so young and have a future laid out before us. We didn't have to depend on anyone for financial survival after college and we have been so good about saving money for a house. I understood that people around us were hurting financially, so uncertain about their futures, but I never really expected that we would experience their feelings.

We are.

All I can say now is that I am glad to have a family and to have friends who make my life feel so enriched by their support and love. I find myself complaining and scared, but I also find myself excited about the future.

It's amazing that we all depend on money to see us through everything in life, to guide us, protect us, enrich us, fulfill us. When it's taken away the fear of everything starts to kick in and the loss of security envelopes your feelings.

But lately, despite the fact that we are living every day afraid of what might not come, it's amazing the conversations we've been having with people. Aside from the recommendations for jobs and opportunities, we get to talk about dreams. Like, big dreams.

My hope to open a coffee shop and name it after you. My hope to write a children's book. Brian's hope to own a tree farm with horses and hot chocolate.

I've started to feel like a kid again and it's crazy. It's like now that we don't have much income, we are dreaming about things we would love to do, instead of working and doing something that feels routine. We get to share with people, and people with us, discussions about things that matter. Life, God, Passion, Love.

I wish you could hear my passion. I wish you could hear my unsteadiness and my worry. I wish you could comfort me and encourage me. I wish you could share in my dreams.

I wish you were here.

Your daughter,

Deborah

Thanksgiving.

2008-12-04T10:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I was having a conversation with a friend recently who lost her father instantly. In her words, "he was at home playing basketball outside at dinner time and at night before bed I got a phone call saying he was gone."

Instantly. Gone.

I know I may have said this before, but forgive me for reiterating it. If there is one, just one thing, that I had to pick to be thankful for it's that we had time to prepare. Once we found out your cancer was serious, for two whole years we got to talk, plan and recognize how valuable each moment was.

Don't get me wrong, I remember that I didn't make it too easy on you. After all, I was a teenager at the time. I remember the arguments we would have and storming off to my room when you wouldn't let me push my curfew. But I cherish those times too, because for a minute we felt like a normal family again.

I know what I lost was tough. It was hard to live through and I grieve when others have to go through the same thing. But what I hadn't realized until recently is how great of a gift I also received. There are so many people out there who didn't get to say good-bye, who didn't get to plan ahead and have those "when the time comes" conversations. I could never pretend to share that pain or explain to them that I know what that is like. My heart truly goes out to all of those who have experienced that kind of loss.

You and I, we got to grieve together. I'm not saying I wasn't sad after you left, but what I am saying is that we had a gift mom and I am so glad that we embraced it.

So this Thanksgiving season, that is my thanks.

I love you, Mom.

Your daughter,

Deborah

The older the wiser.

2008-12-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

There's this old man who comes into work every day at 2:00. He walks from a local gym and comes in and orders the same thing every time. A venti cup of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. He is the most sarcastic person I have ever met and he has even called me Satan for offering him a donut instead of a sandwich. Pardon me for thinking he might want to change things up a bit. Every day we give him a pen and he asks us if it is the "lucky one" since he will be using it to do the crossword puzzle from the Detroit News.

On occasion I have talked to him about his daughters and he has explained to me how none of them talk to him anymore and how sad it makes him since he paid for all three of them to go away to college. I think how lucky they are to have had him pay for their college, because now I am buried in debt from the four years I spent at college myself. But I also wonder what he did to make them run away from him? I can see something in his eyes that tells me that he wasn't always a very gentle man.

He has yelled at me a time or two for not having his coffee ready right when he walks in. He has scared me a time or two when he has walked all the way to our store leaving his coat behind. He has made me re-think my life a time or two when I realized that every day he doesn't even remember who I am.

He doesn't remember that he has just met me yesterday and he doesn't realize that he has a routine and does the same exact thing every single day. He has lost his ability to remember each day what is happening to him. What I realized though is that he hasn't forgotten the past.

Why am I telling you about this old man? Because even though he doesn't remember me, I look forward to his visit every single time he comes into my coffee shop. I take the time to talk to him because I learn so much from his conversation. He is a reminder that every thing that we do in life is something that later in life we will have to answer to. Even when we lose our memory, we still have a past that will not leave us behind.

Lately the thing I wish I had an answer to is what do I want to do with my life? Will I work at Starbucks forever? Will I ever write that children's novel that I want to? Or will I just be a stay at home mom?

I don't know what the answer is and I wish you were here to help me.

What I do know is that whatever it is..I want it to be good. I want it to benefit others and I want to make a difference. If one day I am forced to live only in my past, I want it to be a good one. Not one where I have to live in sorrow and regret wondering why my daughters will not talk to me.

I want to leave behind the kind of impression you have left on me.

I love you mom.

Your daughter,
Deborah

The tough times are the hardest.

2008-11-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

I'm having a really really bad day. Wish you were here.

Your daughter,

Deborah.

The ties that bind us.

2008-11-15T12:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

While at church on Wednesday night, we talked about memories and how the memories we have with our loved ones are the memories that bind us together. The taste, touch, and sight of little things can instantly bring back and make real that of which we have lost. This is so true for you and I.

Whenever I pass an Estee Lauder fragrance booth at the department store I am instantly brought back to my childhood when I would sneak into your room and spray on your favorite perfume. For a moment you would allow me to escape my childhood reality and pretend that I was old enough to wear make up and perfume. It brings back your smile and the way your face creased on your right cheek when you did so. Looking back, those moments were so tender.

The texture of my baby blanket I still keep tucked away in my closet, that I hope my children will one day enjoy as much as I did, brings back the sound of your laughter. You would laugh in disapproval of me tugging it around everywhere, clinging to it as life support. But still you allowed me to carry it with me even though Grandma would scald you saying, “that child is too old to be carrying that bloody thing around everywhere.”

The sight of the moon more than any thing else, no matter how trite or juvenile it is, makes me think of you. I was so interested in the moon. While driving around at night I would ask why the moon always followed me. You cleverly explained that the moon follows all little girls and it was there to keep an eye on me. To think that the moon was placed in the sky just for me was the greatest gift you could have given me at that age. You understood that I needed to feel important.

The senses can also bring back bad memories, as it does for me when I see pink hospital bins or smell the stale bitterness of gauze, opening the flood gates of chemo treatments and the long nights you often spent sleeping on the bathroom floor, because it was easier then walking back and forth from your bedroom every time you got sick. To this day when I get sick I do the same thing, laying on the cold tile imagining you holding my hair back for me.

These memories, mom, are the ties that bind us together.

These memories are the keys that unlock the past and make it all seem real again. They make me feel one inch closer to the past that left us behind.

The point is, that these memories produce gratitude towards the things in the past we may not have been thankful for at the time. They put each of us back into a place of forgiveness or peace that we may not have if we didn’t have the memories to experience it all over again. And though at times it may produce those bad memories, it is those too that make the good ones shine so brightly.

So today, even though the sun is nowhere to be found, and the snow is pelting down onto the wet leaves that have covered the ground, I am going to find you out there somewhere. Whether it be through the smell of coffee as I go to work or the sound of the Bob Marley CD I’ve been listening to in my car, you will be with me one way or another.

I love you, mom.

Your daughter,
Deborah

Mending fences.

2008-11-09T19:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

At the top of my list of things that I need to catch you up on is the fact that dad has become one of my best friends. Not too long after you left me, he and his wife (yes they are finally married!) moved away to Florida and are now happily living in Tennessee. The fact that he and I have become close is an amazing testament to faith because in the past we could not have a single conversation without one of us hanging up in anger. You of course were the greatest witness to those types of conversations.

I’m not sure what exactly created a change in me, besides the amazing work of God, but something inside of me changed. It could have been that I realized that I only had one parent left, making it plainly obvious that I should spend my energy loving every minute I get with dad instead of holding on to past failures.

One thing I wish though mom is that we spent more time talking about you and dad. Divorce can create painful scars in families and I think we spent way too much time focusing on dad’s failures instead of praising him for his intentions.

I often wonder to myself:
How did you and dad meet?
What was it like when you had you had Kelly so young?
When did you guys first say I love you?
Where was your first kiss?
...and the curiosity just continues. Dad and I have been able to talk about some of these things, but I will always wonder your side of the story. I will always want to know your tender perspective.

Now that I myself am married, I wonder where my relationship qualities come from. I wonder which one of you was the cuddler. I wonder if it was you or dad that would fold piles of laundry and fail to hang them up for a whole week. I wonder where my impatience comes from when Brian doesn't unlock the door fast enough when I am freezing outside.

Despite the fact that I have missed out on understanding the love that once brought you and dad together, and in part missed out knowing a part of myself, I am in some ways happy with the outcome. I don’t think I would have ever given dad as great of a chance, as you often begged me to, had you not left me. He is an incredible guy and I can understand completely why it is you may have loved him. Although he may make several mistakes and has failed in a lot of cases to live up to his word, his intentions and his heart are always in the right place.

Mom, in these past four years I have clearly learned that our intentions and the condition of our heart are the things that truly matter. They are the things worth holding on to.

I love you mom.

Your daughter,
Deborah

Barnabas.

2008-11-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

Brian and I attend a small group on Sunday nights to discuss the book of Acts and what it means to live in community. With this being my first small group experience, I have to admit I was a little nervous. It has turned out to be a wonderful experience.

This past week we studied Joshua, who then becomes Barnabas, who is also known as "the son of encouragement." Throughout his life he constantly encouraged other people, reaching out and always finding the best in other people. He was the epitome of love.

We discussed Barnabas and his example of being an encouragement to others, which led us all to realize that at one point or another someone has been there to lend a word of encouragement instead of judgement, whether we realized it at the time or not. These individuals are considered to be our 'balcony people.'

Throughout this study I realized how fortunate I have been to have so many balcony people in my life. So much so that our group has decided to throw a party in order to recognize some of these people, a way of letting them know how much we truly appreciate their encouragement.

Mom, you were always a cheerleader for me. Even though I was horrible at dance and looked ridiculously chubby in my fancy tu-tu, you paid for, took me to, dolled me up and sat through long, boring recitals just to watch me strut my stuff on stage for five minutes.

When you were sick, often throwing up from long hours of chemo treatment, you would still make sure I got to all of my volleyball practices and games. When I had a weekend tournament, even if you were sick, you would sit in the bleachers and cheer me on even though I only played in the third set.

But mom, it went beyond sports and hobbies. In school and in writing, in life decisions and arguments with friends, you were always there pushing me to be the better person and take the chances that you never got to take. You took your hopes for yourself and passed them on to me without ever forcing me to make your decision. That is so awesome.

Because you won't be around to come to the party, I wanted to take a minute to thank you for being an encouragement and to recognize all of the sacrifices you had to make for me. I am so grateful. I never once heard you complain and that is so completely selfless of you.

I am incredibly inspired by the testimony of Barnabas and I hope to live the rest of my life being a balcony person to the people in my life. I can only hope that I will be as much of an encourager as so many have been to me.

I love you, mom.

Your daughter,

Deborah

Halloween Traditions

2008-10-31T19:24:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

Today is Halloween and it brings back one of my favorite memories growing up with you and dad. Every year for Halloween we would pick out two pumpkins, one short round one and the other tall and skinny. Since you lacked artistic carving ability (a trait which I have inherited), we always got a little crafty with our pumpkins, creating them into my two favorite sesame street characters Ernie & Bert (hence the shape of the pumpkins). I love this memory about our family, because instead of gutting them and carving them out into fun traditional shapes, we spent the night spray painting Ernie yellow and cutting out construction paper for each of their faces. As I look back on the pictures, I can not believe how much they actually look like the characters. What is even funnier is that I wanted to do this until I was about 10 years old.

In Lieu of Halloween, Brian and I carved pumpkins and I have to say it was a lot of fun. We actually pulled out the seeds and baked them while carving amateur shapes into the pumpkins. While they were not as awesome as the ones we spent creating during my youth, it felt really good to create some new memories and start a new tradition with my own family.

I think one of the most valuable things that I ever learned growing up with you is the importance of tradition. I am not sure how you did it, because I know things weren't always easy. Somehow though you succeeded at making sure that each special occasion was marked with a lasting memory that always brings a smile to my face.

So thanks Mom, and Happy Halloween!

I love you.

Your daughter,

Deborah

Genetics.

2008-10-28T16:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

In a week I have a doctors appointment for my annual exam. I have to be honest, I am a little nervous. With this month being Breast Cancer Awareness month there were millions of different interviews with women giving their perspective on genetic testing, breast cancer research, what prevents it, what increases risk..etc.

I waded through the sea of information and like I do with most things, I have a list of all of the questions that I want to ask my doctor. Honestly, I don't think it is going to help make it any clearer. Here's the thing: Lately I've been thinking that I want to be genetically tested, to find out if I have the two genes linked with breast cancer, to find out if the cancer you was in fact passed down to me.

Do you think that is the right thing to do?

See, if I have the test and I find out it is positive, the good thing is I can start preventing it now. While I am only twenty two, I am only three years away from my first mammogram, which means I will be constantly worried once a year for the rest of my life. The bad thing is, if my test results are positive, I will have a hard time finding a life insurance company who will cover me and I may even have a hard time finding health insurance if I ever need to switch.

But, if I have the test and it comes back negative, does that mean I will worry less about getting it some day? Probably not.

I know this seems like a lot to process, but I am trying my best to understand what is important for me and my future children. I can almost hear you telling me to slow down and not worry so much, but you were so young when you left me. I picture myself having children and hoping I will share the same bond with them that you and I had -- and I don't want them to go through having their mother taken away from them. While I know there may be other circumstances I can not control, what if this is one that I can control?

So mom, I hope there is a way you can help me. Some advice I have not yet heard, some miracle of suggestion that may tell me what to do. But if that suggestion never comes, I will continue to be reverent in prayer for a cure.

I love you mom.

Your daughter,

Deborah